newlygaged

I really wish I had been journaling more about our engagement thus far, but everything has been such a whirl! I still cannot believe that Jake asked me to be his forever gal. I am the blessedest lady to get to be his wife, and to have him as my husband!! And!! I just want to use exclamation points all the time!!! Sure, the I've-never-been-naked jitters have set in, as well as the heightened lust and willingness to explore my fiance. Alas, our fight has become stricter, challenging our love to be true in her growth until...you know.
But in comes the wedding planning. I think I thought Id be better at this than I am. I really am bad at the planning. I just want there to be a party; I don't want to spend the money, to book the things that are to be booked, to have to be disciplined in my communication. I wish I didn't have to buy a glamorous dress; I am already afraid of everyone anticipating their seeing me. I am, though, confident that Jake will have my eyes, that I will see only him, that literally becoming his wife will be the best and biggest thought in my heart. Of that fact, warmth fills my insides. But then the need to book a caterer, and photographer, and florist, and on and on and on... that crap freaks me out. So I have been alittle crazed. And its only been one month! Yikes. Lucky for me, Jake gets overwhelmed too. What a pair, we are :)
We did have our first premarital counseling session last night! It was wonderful. Our future marriage was actually tangible as we listened and talked through what it will be to reconcile and forgive one another. Sure, knowing I wont do well as I adjust to the ultimate togetherness did jumble my fears. There was, though, and incredible, hopeful excitement, to share these things with the love of my life. And so, last night was the first time my heart has been convinced of becoming the wife of the most incredible man I've ever known.

Thursday Night at 5 O'Clock

The Food Drive!! A couple of months ago, Pastor Brian challenged us to grow in our evangelism, and my outlet was the organization of Doxa's First Food Drive. I was overwhelmed, though the input was small in comparison to the others' outreaches. But I became something more of a responsible adult as I crawled just a little ways out of my comfort zone to coordinate with a few folks in charge to organize the time and place of the drive. I got some nos, which made the yes an awkward surprise.
Here's what happened: Grocery Store A told me no. When I went into Grocery Store B, I learned that big corporate businesses need first a formalized business letter to begin the process of requesting the use of their premises. So I wrote that business letter, submitted it, and they did not respond via telephone. So though I expected denial, I walked in like a timid fool girl and reemphasized my request. When the manager of that Grocery Store B effortlessly approved what I had asked for, I plainly said thank you and walked away like an idiot! As I departed, fists clenched in embarrassment, I harshly questioned with the intensest whisper why I hadn't stayed to confirm with important questions. But we weren't denied!! Wahooo!! And everything cleared itself up, mainly because God is good.
So then, with the help of some pals, I made some handouts, decorated some boxes and set up a table to execute my part in our unified attempt to grow God's church.
We got there just before 5 to set up our sweet little table-booth, just where management told us, to start handing out invitation-included fliers to suggest a list of donate-able goods. It wasn't until later that we learned that women are grumps when you are just slightly in the way of the public mail box; how I wish older women would choose a sweet "excuse me" over a facial expression that made obvious the desire to kill. As expected, we got a handful of rude folk, but mostly some real givers! I think I had overlooked the obvious reality that people would donate, and donate they did! Jake's pickup wasn't big enough to hold all the food; a gent even wrote a $500 check (the sly part of my wicked soul wishes he had made the check  out to Corianne Castagno...I mean Doxa Community Church... instead of the to Renton Food Bank)!! But seriously, Renton is home to quite the diverse crowd, and how honored I feel to have seen more of the faces that my city is full of.
How fun it was to share this memory with some of Doxa's most selfless members to give their time to help me. We are yet to see the outcome of our true intent - that is, the sharing of the gospel by the proclamation at Doxa. I am praying hard for the folks that we met to give us a visit, for the Holy Spirit to incline their hearts for a rich love for the good God through whom all blessings flow!!
Pray with us, if you will!! And by all means, stop by our church to hear some words about the Jesus who makes hope beautifully graspable :))

PS -- Big thanks to The Posey Family for their abundant assistance; could not have done it without this radical, young couple!

Reach Out, You Sinner

I have been thinking a lot about my Doxa Community Church. We had community group on Tuesday, and it is there where we share life intentionally, prayerfully, and vulnerably  I always leave feeling cared for, and am thankful to Jesus for the church He allows me to grow with. Most weeks, I do fear the deep, challenging discussions I know we will struggle through. But I do trust that it is for the good of those who love Jesus and call Doxa their home. As Elder Ryan Strieby said, community is the heart beat of Doxa, and so, even when messy, we strive to glorify the good God who has made Himself known to us by His Holy Bible with one another. The togetherness of our church fam not only encourages one another to be stirred up unto becoming like Jesus, but also weaves out the common assumptions that any of us, mostly myself, can make about who we want Jesus to be. So though my human heart wants to decide for myself what is best for my life, God has given me people to help me discern what is truly best, and that which is best for me is also obedient to Christ.
With that, I want more and more folks to share in that. I desire so badly for more people to come and learn about who Jesus truly is, and join us in living to glorify Him.
Just a short time ago, we were unsure of whether Doxa would make it. For three years we saw little to no growth, and God finally woke us up to our foolish laziness of failed evangelism. So there was a close possibility that we would fold, and be Doxa Community Church no longer. The almost reality was heartbreaking as I love my church dearly. And to know I had been a catalyst to her potential failure in my stubbornness made my stomach churn.
With lots of long talks of what needs to be done, we have been more evangelistic and God has grown our baby church some! People, people! Doxa is bigger than she was a year ago. Quite obviously, we get not to boast but will revel in the grace of God to his peculiar little bride. And! We must evangelize onward! But this is tough for lazy folk. For myself, at least, I want to rest... even though I didn't work so hard. I got what I wanted, and so I am entitled to being pathetic.
How disgusting is my soul? I take Gods glory for myself rather than praising Him for the blessings He has exposed to me. And still, He is patient and gracious to me. By revealing the reality of my heart, I am made able to ask for forgiveness and prayerfully rely on His goodness to keep on that evangelizing and outreaching, so that people in Renton might come to know this Jesus who has radically saved my wretched heart from her all-too-natural patterns of harm. Whoever they are, maybe they will come to community group one day; maybe they will allow Doxa to be the place where they become more like Jesus. Maybe they will allow the man who died on the cross to relate with them, and allow Him to be their righteousness. Oh, the hopes I have!
To combat my sinful flesh in an attempt to truly become a servant of Christ, making disciples in the place He has called me to, I have got this idea to host a Food Drive with Renton's Salvation Army. Sure, I must grow some in my adulthood enough to coordinate with a few public places to be a convenient pick up spot for food donations so there are some kinks to be worked out. And so I will pray hard that some will be encouraged by the work of our baby church to be in the community for community, and mostly for the sake of Jesus Christ. He suffered much, which is quite encouraging for the fear and laziness I can, because of Himself, overcome.

Jesus > Boyfriends

I missed Jake a lot today. Probably because he told me he missed me, and that opened the door to my missing, because I am a sad gal who is easily swayed my the emotions of others (something I must be prayerfully careful about!). So I spent my day being lonely and glum, because it is easy to idolize the relationship I have with my fella. In my pride, I do not want to admit idolatry. I want to believe that I can easily love Jesus more passionately than Jake. And though I do not consider spending much thought and prayer on our relationship to be bad, I know, too, that it is dangerous to terminate my thoughts on only ourselves. And today, I had a hard time not being lowly in that my soul had missed my boyfriend -- dundundun; that is a red flag, I think!! God is gracious to have convicted quickly. But still, even in my lazy sin, I selfishly took my time to allow that conviction to weigh heavily enough to repent. ((How broken I am suddenly to remember my potent foolishness. How much I deserve not to even have a boyfriend who points me to Jesus more than anyone ever has; because still I fail at allowing my soul to be pointed. This is when I pause and pray hard in my plea for underserved forgiveness.))
Because it was Monday, my weak heart was relieved since Jake and I would see each other. On this day each week, many of us from Doxa Community Church get together to grow in evangelism and encouragement for one another. Then we practice hatred by working out together. Pastor Brian leads us in a work out -- it has been only an hour since we left ze gym and I am already sore from our action-packed session!
When we finally got to talking though, there was the “wait-I-thought-we-missed-eachother...why-are-you-doing-that“ kind of exchange, which put a damper on that previously known I-miss-you excitement. I will say it straight, it was I who dampered. So when communicating gets tough, Jake gets overwhelmed. And when Jake gets overwhelmed, I get overwhelmed (let us quickly establish the fact that I am not the rational-est when I am whelmed). So there was some bickering. When we got into the car to head to the gym, I somehow became even moreso of a pill. Chicks are sometimes high-maintenance and that is what I was. Oops.
Because Jesus is our Savior, and mercifully loves us, we get to work out those blips, and work them out we did. Plus, I always somehow love him more when we come out of our little tiffs; I feel like we are stronger when we reach the resolution. Jake is always willing and leads well in that resolve. What a man, he is.
And since he left that gym to go to work, I have missed him already. Because I am lame, and it is often hard to fight my easy feelings of wanting to be with him all the time. And so, I will pray to grow in my love for Jesus Christ as He has been so good to open my eyes to my foolishness because He is glorious.

Teased by Tassels

I have not been very vocal, prayerful or even thoughtful about much this last week; le'ts see if I can sensibly bring this around in hopes for my heart to delight in Christ.
Since around Tuesday or so of last week I don't feel like myself. I have been discontent with nearly everything that is my life, which is the oddest as I usually feel that I am the happiest of clams. I was way more lazy; did a lot of couch-sitting, over sleeping, and not room cleaning or kitchen sweeping. I watched more television than I have in the last three years. I have let my body feel exhausted on more than 7 hours of sleep (last night was just about 9 hours; I'm disgusting). My room quite quickly messies itself under the lack of authority from my busy weekend and because I hate having a room that is unnecessarily cluttered I find a time to cleanse it ASAP. And I rightfully and sweetfully got the 'you're-not-doing-your-chores' talk. Through this crazed, lazed madness I have unfortunately not thought much; alittle thought, however, has been conceived. I don't care to give whatever this is much attention as I fear for the excessive selfishness that is those thoughts, so I'd rather not think them on purpose. Somehow, though, I think I've internally considered them without really knowing it (if that's a real thing). And so I will try and think them with the intent of being prayerfully provided with wisdom from the Holy Spirit and the beautiful scriptures I've been graciously given as Jesus Christ is good to me through his expression of incredible truth to purify the intentions of my heart and mind.
I was born back then and I live now, obviously. My life has consisted of some awesome events and some that are boring. I have been growing up for twenty-three years and I know I have much growth to achieve. But I turned twenty three just over a week ago and so I've been thinking more about who I am at the age that I am, and who I will be in the years to come. This is an incredibly annoying consideration as I'd think that I was secure enough in my confirmed love for Jesus that I don't need the worldliness. But my fleshly, world-loving soul is trying to convince me otherwise, I think.
The pictures and status-updates are flooding from every direction. Graduations. Everywhere. Even at work, parties for 40 or more galore are right there to celebrate, and rightfully so. I am unendingly (this is my blog, I can make up words) reminded of my considered failure of not acquiring for myself a college degree as its been four years since I graduated high school. Nearly everyone else from my Mount Si Class of 2008 now has the photographed proof of their geniusness, published to world via facebook. But my last documented activity is one that unfortunately captured a not-so-attractive pose. I only made the over exaggerated winky-face because we were excitedly celebrating the soon-to-be-wedded bachelorette, so everything is done crazily (Christian-crazily, that is. Bachellorette parties looks different when Jesus has expressed his saving grace. So I promise I wasn't drunk). But, like anyone might assume I'd think, I have found myself to be slightly bummed as I didn't graduate college so I don't have the tassel-turning albums posted to my page. I don't particularly care to have a college degree, but now that I'm seeing the peers I had had for four years turn into these career-pursuing folks make me feel alittle foolish as I still wait tables like a high schooler (except for not quite all the way because I work in a bar, so there's that...). My brain has been a-wonderin' about who I am and why I am the way I am without considering the woman I've become through the life I've lived because of the death Jesus took from me, for me.
So there it is; another birthday and a facebook update are enough to shatter my pride. What a loser I am to be reliant on whatever it is that facebook tries to provide. That overconfident fool that is Corianne Marie once thought that I couldn't been glum about my lack of geniusness that is an achieved Bachelors Degree. Because I can't say that I actually want one. My life really is beautiful, I know that for reals. I feel like I'm growing in the direction that I want to grow as I'm in a place that has influenced my understanding of my beautiful Savior. Up to this point I have fought to be passionate about the character of Christ. And even though I am that pathetic waitress to pay my bills, I love it. I don't find it pathetic usually as I love to serve people and have found my job as a beautiful tool to meet people that I might have the opportunity share the gospel, but I know other people consider me lesser for being a servant (seriously, sometimes people treat us like their personal slaves). I also know that this sudden pity-party is influenced by my disgusting sin of wanting to impress people more so than living out what Jesus has called me to. Right now that is planting His Doxa Community Church; sharing that gospel and seeing lives transformed by truth. I want to be here and do those things...most days. I can't say that I am perfect in my execution; obviously I'm not. If things went my way Doxa would be bigger and I wouldn't have to talk to anyone for it to be that way because talking to people is hard and scary and awkward. But were hoping hard for Doxa to make it and must rely on Christ and must have a willingness to grow out of those fears.
And this is why I am perturbed. There is an incredible amount of meaning in this place of life. If I don't want the degree but would much rather mother a family and adore a handsome, God-honoring husband (hopefully named Jake Pearce, wahoo!!) as I live according to God's will for my life then why do I even care to have this pitiful party in my heart and mind? I don't care to have it, but my sin wants it, and sometimes I don't want to fight against sin. Because as previously noted, I'm a crazy, lazy lady.
God is good and gracious (and I hope with all my heart that this little publicized piece communicates the trueness of that), I get to search the Scirptures and the knowlege of Christ with the guidance of His Holy Spirit and from the help from the community I have been placed in. I get to have much hope in growth; I know I wont think like this forever, or even for too long (the graduation excitement will fade and being twenty three will eventually turn in to being forty five) because Jesus died the death I should have and I get to spend eternity with Him. I won't be confined to this body forever, I won't always be constricted by my sinful tendencies. He has promised the growth I've seen in myself and others. He promises a new body and a forever with Him. And I'm praying hard that this silly blog is used for that purpose of expressing that kindness in Christ Jesus.

I came to Starbucks, a good place to read, to get some reading done. So I should probably start reading. I don’t know what my deal is, but I get distracted so freaking easily, no matter what the book. It is currently Thomas Goodwin’s The Heart of Christ (I have to italicize instead of encase in quotations because my quote-key is malfunctioning; that’s annoying) and once I start I can, in fact, put it down, but I don’t usually mean to as there is a beautiful amount of biblical wisdom seeping from his thoughts. And I like to learn of those kinds of thoughts as my understanding of Christ is graciously expanded. With that being said, I highly recommend the reading of this book; it is incredibly beneficial to learn more of Christ’s heart for those whom He has chosen to be His. But even when it’s a good fiction like the The Hunger Games that I’m wrapped up in do I find a way to take my eyes from the words and people watch for days. Part of that observing, if you will, is in my far from perfect attempt to meet someone and find a chance to share Jesus or invite them to Doxa. But mostly is lack of discipline. Mmmm, it’s so nice, being an idiot. Just read your book, Cor!

Just A Giddy Gal

I’ve not been writing so much lately. I tend to go through seasons of being excited about certain things (i.e. blogging and journaling) then after a very little while let that excitement trail off and be not so exciting anymore. My fervent bones have become lazy bones and I’ve cared not to take the time to fight through the lowly moments of not wanting to scribble my thought. But oh, how there has been much going on in my little heart! I will write all about that which is most exciting and his name is Jake Pearce.

I don’t know that I have ever felt this way about a fella, or any other human for that matter. I find myself wishing I were with him when I am not, and am so thankful for the moments we spend together. I love most everything about him: his beard, his lips, his arms, his truck, his thoughts and mostly his heart. We have opened the smooching door, and let me tell ya, it’s a really fun door to have opened. I’ve not ever kissed anyone, other than my mother of course, and it’s almost the most wonderful thing I have ever experienced.

I could talk about this magical loveliness forever, so I have therefore spent much worthy time in prayer, confessing my desperation to Jesus to help us A) not prioritize kissin ’ over one another’s love for Christ and B) not be anymore curious to explore one another and enter into sin. What gives me much hope is the gospel in itself as Jesus has given me the greatest gift in allowing my foolish heart to understand the beauty of his having died in my place to consider me righteous before him, therefore breaking the bonds of my flesh from her slavery to sin and arming me to fight against it. With Doxa Community Church and the relationships within have I been given much wisdom and care which influence me to understand both the darkness of falling into sin and the help to talk through and allow the Holy Spirit to direct our hearts before knowing that detrimental plunge.

Jake and I are both sinners. Deh. We will sin against one another, against our friends, and against God. And that is a heartbreaking reality. I want not to hurt Jake, my friends, or my Savior. I want not to take advantage of the grace I’ve been given but want to remember Jesus before I fall into shame. But I am an incredibly imperfect human, one who sins and hurts and oftentimes chooses self over anyone else. But we, that is, me and my guy, are trying hard to avoid the sins that are fondling and sexting and perverting; because when done outside of the union of marriage, Jesus calls those things sin. Knowing how easy it is to, you know, do the dirty as two humans fall into the L-word, we have rightly emphasized our attempts to avoid the physical darkness (don’t tell him I publicly brought up that L-word. We’ve not confessed it to one another… J).

And so I am immensely thankful for growing in a crazy-awesome relationship with this guy, and am so blessed by my friends to be prayerful for us. Because while I reeeeally do look forward to smoochin’, I more so look forward to talking with him. I love so much getting to know his heart; to see how much he loves Jesus is so beneficial. He reminds me to pray and is curious about the thoughts and attitudes of my heart, even when they’re ugly. He is intentional about learning more about who I am (I’m incredibly thankful to Pastor Brian for advising us to continue to be intentional about our emotional, intellectual and spiritual growth). He buys me tea so we can go out and chat but not spend billions. He talks about his attempts to mortify sin and to give no room for justifying troubles of the flesh. He guides our discussions, motivating good ones. What a guy, I’ve got.

This fearfully familiar feeling that I’ve not ever felt before is quite incredible, and all I wanna do it talk to Jake Pearce all about it! I know that we won’t always be in the honeymooner stage, but let me tell ya; life is beautiful.