Boxing Gloves

We somehow made it to Starbucks through the iced-over road ways. It sure is nice to get out of that big, lovely house of mine. But I don’t like to be stuck and stuck I’ve been. Because of the ever-exciting, beautiful snow that has interrupted our lives in one way or another I’ve been deterred from making it to work. On Monday I worked all the live long day so because I could not make it out of my driveway I rode the bus to and my truck-owning friend who is the gentlemanliest picked me up. I wasn’t expected to work Tuesday and Wednesday so I’ve enjoyed my white wonderlanded “weekend.” But my work Monday has come and I cannot go because of the ice that used to be snow (see what I did there?). So while it feels like nothing has happened because I’ve stayed in my Renton House (except for when we got donuts from chucks and did donuts in a parking lot – funfunfun) so much has happened in my infant-esque heart.

I am the greatest of hypocrites. I want not to be a day-waster so I encourage others to waste not. But drop 3-5 inches of coldness in my driveway and my justified inability to drive anywhere will be that which fools me into the depths of mind-numbing laziness. But it feels so gooood. And so I want more of that sweat-pants-only kind of a lazy life; and that's because I want to honor myself more so than my Savior.

What I’ve found the Holy Spirit convicting of me most lately is for the things I choose to fight for which are unfortunately things Christ came not to die. Fighting is a consistent theme at Doxa Community Church and I’ve been graciously given a desire to know the things that are worth pursuing hard for and those things that keep me weak, being strengthened to fight against them. Like Pastor Brian regularly says, we want to be a church that is known for fighting for people and things, not against them. And where it is abundantly necessary to fight against sin as we’ve been made able to do, I want to be a gal that fights for passion and truth and love and servant heartedness and all good things that are God-glorifying.

Unfortunately, it’s not such a noble fight to waste my day, even when the snow falls. It’s a fight in my brain against that laziness, to find ways to explore the seemingly lesser freedoms of not driving. But God is still good even when I can’t drive my Opal Car (which happens more often than a yearly freeze out…) and I can still choose to fervently serve Him.

God has been gracious to give me the people he has, allowing their insights to be catalysts of the conviction that the Holy Spirit brings to remind me of sin and weakness, which is freakin’ everywhere in here. But since back tracking the few days of my past, I want not to remain in that weakness and instead remember it is Christ’s strength that motivates my fight. Because otherwise I’d still be dead in my sin, hopeless and desperate to nothing worth being desperate for, ignorant to the true realities.

Psalm 144:1

Blessed is theLord, my rock, who trains my hands for war, and my fingers for battle.

Pride's Poison

It’s been quite some time since I posted what goes on in my heart. And that’s because an "old friend" briefly taunted me about those published thoughts just like he did when I was in middle school – he used to mispronounce my name to get me to cry to expose my excessively ridiculous sensitivity. Looking back to that era of embarrassing moments that is middle school I consider my over-emotional reaction to be that which brings upon the shame more so than the mispronunciation. And I guess I haven’t changed much because I feel embarrassed just the same, knowing that someone is insensitively critical of my blog posts.

And so I’m feeling the conviction that comes from my attempts to protect my image, the pride that is my insecurity. I considered ending my blog because of some not-so-harsh teases that I over exaggerate in my brain and am trying to fight against it.

Because Jesus saved me and because I go to Doxa Community Church I’ve been given the strength to admit and fight against my sin. I wasn’t saved for it; I wasn’t bought with the heightiest price to continue in it. I was saved by grace to be freed from it.

My spirituality has been quite dry lately. I’ve had not much affection for the God who miraculously saved me from hell’s depths. I’ve tried to remind myself of his incredible goodness to inspire feeling better but my little, baby heart has barely budged from her apathetic futility. Graciously, God made me aware of my desire for him, that I missed his infectious dwelling in my soul, that I want Him back. I keep thinking of John Piper's words; "God is most glorified in me when I am most satisfied in Him" and I have a weighty fear of falsely portraying the gospel to thsoe who don't know Him because of my current funk of being not so satisfied. I want to be not in this funk.

In my honest efforts to fix this painful problem I prayed for last night’s community group to be good and convicting; I’d missed the conviction to remind me of my relationship with Jesus. Fortunately and unfortunately, God granted my request. I’m trying not to resent Him for it and if that doesn’t sound as awful as it is, you’re as crazy as I am. Pastor Brian carefully and pastorally challenged us to do a better job of growing in relationship with one another; we currently suck at being friends. I can’t say that this is untrue of myself for I’m the poorest friend. I am okay with the comfort that is shallow relationships; I don’t like to dive deeper than preferred. The recent times I’ve attempted to honor Christ through my friendships haven’t gone well and I’ve door a poor job, too, of reconciling. Detrimentally, I’m okay with that. I’m okay with maintaining the brokenness, with pretending my friendships are not broken. When Brian asked us to be intimate with one another by asking each other ways we’ve committed sin, my heart practically stopped and I had to try hard to not let the waterfalls pour out of my eye balls.

I get anxious and overwhelmed about many things but this is the most overwhelming thing that has ever happened to me (I'm also alittle dramatic...). I don’t want to anyone to ask me ways they’ve sinned against me. I don’t want to ask anyone how I’ve hurt them. And this is because I want to protect that blasted image. I want to continue to believe that I'm pretty great, which puts a thick veil between me and Jesus. On one hand I want to know and care for people better and be aware of my sin that I might better fight against it. On the other larger, fatter-fingered hand I want to avoid that pain. Much of my selfish heart doesn’t want to grow in those relationships because I know how painful relationships are. I am afraid of the amount of sin that truly dominates my being; my pride would rather steadily dwell. Instead of continuing each exchange with my friends with, “Please don’t ask me any questions right now,” to avoid the good growth I think I might pray to be better, to honor Christ more obediently instead of choosing wrongfully the ways I might bring him glory. Because this whole time I’ve been trying to glorify myself more so than the God who is so loving to bring me to and through these trials. Because I am weak and worldly without him; living to be good is no good without his goodness, that which is truly good.