Teased by Tassels

I have not been very vocal, prayerful or even thoughtful about much this last week; le'ts see if I can sensibly bring this around in hopes for my heart to delight in Christ.
Since around Tuesday or so of last week I don't feel like myself. I have been discontent with nearly everything that is my life, which is the oddest as I usually feel that I am the happiest of clams. I was way more lazy; did a lot of couch-sitting, over sleeping, and not room cleaning or kitchen sweeping. I watched more television than I have in the last three years. I have let my body feel exhausted on more than 7 hours of sleep (last night was just about 9 hours; I'm disgusting). My room quite quickly messies itself under the lack of authority from my busy weekend and because I hate having a room that is unnecessarily cluttered I find a time to cleanse it ASAP. And I rightfully and sweetfully got the 'you're-not-doing-your-chores' talk. Through this crazed, lazed madness I have unfortunately not thought much; alittle thought, however, has been conceived. I don't care to give whatever this is much attention as I fear for the excessive selfishness that is those thoughts, so I'd rather not think them on purpose. Somehow, though, I think I've internally considered them without really knowing it (if that's a real thing). And so I will try and think them with the intent of being prayerfully provided with wisdom from the Holy Spirit and the beautiful scriptures I've been graciously given as Jesus Christ is good to me through his expression of incredible truth to purify the intentions of my heart and mind.
I was born back then and I live now, obviously. My life has consisted of some awesome events and some that are boring. I have been growing up for twenty-three years and I know I have much growth to achieve. But I turned twenty three just over a week ago and so I've been thinking more about who I am at the age that I am, and who I will be in the years to come. This is an incredibly annoying consideration as I'd think that I was secure enough in my confirmed love for Jesus that I don't need the worldliness. But my fleshly, world-loving soul is trying to convince me otherwise, I think.
The pictures and status-updates are flooding from every direction. Graduations. Everywhere. Even at work, parties for 40 or more galore are right there to celebrate, and rightfully so. I am unendingly (this is my blog, I can make up words) reminded of my considered failure of not acquiring for myself a college degree as its been four years since I graduated high school. Nearly everyone else from my Mount Si Class of 2008 now has the photographed proof of their geniusness, published to world via facebook. But my last documented activity is one that unfortunately captured a not-so-attractive pose. I only made the over exaggerated winky-face because we were excitedly celebrating the soon-to-be-wedded bachelorette, so everything is done crazily (Christian-crazily, that is. Bachellorette parties looks different when Jesus has expressed his saving grace. So I promise I wasn't drunk). But, like anyone might assume I'd think, I have found myself to be slightly bummed as I didn't graduate college so I don't have the tassel-turning albums posted to my page. I don't particularly care to have a college degree, but now that I'm seeing the peers I had had for four years turn into these career-pursuing folks make me feel alittle foolish as I still wait tables like a high schooler (except for not quite all the way because I work in a bar, so there's that...). My brain has been a-wonderin' about who I am and why I am the way I am without considering the woman I've become through the life I've lived because of the death Jesus took from me, for me.
So there it is; another birthday and a facebook update are enough to shatter my pride. What a loser I am to be reliant on whatever it is that facebook tries to provide. That overconfident fool that is Corianne Marie once thought that I couldn't been glum about my lack of geniusness that is an achieved Bachelors Degree. Because I can't say that I actually want one. My life really is beautiful, I know that for reals. I feel like I'm growing in the direction that I want to grow as I'm in a place that has influenced my understanding of my beautiful Savior. Up to this point I have fought to be passionate about the character of Christ. And even though I am that pathetic waitress to pay my bills, I love it. I don't find it pathetic usually as I love to serve people and have found my job as a beautiful tool to meet people that I might have the opportunity share the gospel, but I know other people consider me lesser for being a servant (seriously, sometimes people treat us like their personal slaves). I also know that this sudden pity-party is influenced by my disgusting sin of wanting to impress people more so than living out what Jesus has called me to. Right now that is planting His Doxa Community Church; sharing that gospel and seeing lives transformed by truth. I want to be here and do those things...most days. I can't say that I am perfect in my execution; obviously I'm not. If things went my way Doxa would be bigger and I wouldn't have to talk to anyone for it to be that way because talking to people is hard and scary and awkward. But were hoping hard for Doxa to make it and must rely on Christ and must have a willingness to grow out of those fears.
And this is why I am perturbed. There is an incredible amount of meaning in this place of life. If I don't want the degree but would much rather mother a family and adore a handsome, God-honoring husband (hopefully named Jake Pearce, wahoo!!) as I live according to God's will for my life then why do I even care to have this pitiful party in my heart and mind? I don't care to have it, but my sin wants it, and sometimes I don't want to fight against sin. Because as previously noted, I'm a crazy, lazy lady.
God is good and gracious (and I hope with all my heart that this little publicized piece communicates the trueness of that), I get to search the Scirptures and the knowlege of Christ with the guidance of His Holy Spirit and from the help from the community I have been placed in. I get to have much hope in growth; I know I wont think like this forever, or even for too long (the graduation excitement will fade and being twenty three will eventually turn in to being forty five) because Jesus died the death I should have and I get to spend eternity with Him. I won't be confined to this body forever, I won't always be constricted by my sinful tendencies. He has promised the growth I've seen in myself and others. He promises a new body and a forever with Him. And I'm praying hard that this silly blog is used for that purpose of expressing that kindness in Christ Jesus.