Movie Thoughts

Pride; grace; pride and grace; God’s graciousness according to my pride and expressed, in essence, because of my pride. I don’t entirely understand. By my comprehension and particular weakness in the effort of imparting my character on Christ rather than God’s character unto me, I don’t think it to be necessary for God to be so good to me as I so willingly choose sin.

On a level of simplicity and usual mindlessness, I’m only watching “What Women Want” with Brian, Ryan and Tayler. We finished watching Russell Brand’s “Arthur” and continue to enjoy the laziness of our post-Ezelle’s Famous Chicken dinner outing. It’s likely that I’m the only one suffering a mass food-baby as I consumed an abundance of peanut M&Ms for my movie-time snack. While many laughable comments made throughout any experience with our particular bunch are shallow and plain (but most usually thoughtful and good), the fellas’ having commented on their thankfulness of not knowing what women secretively think made me, well, secretively (and productively think as I’ve committed said thoughts to prayer) think about what it is that I secretively think about. When I considered what they’d hear upon listening to my thoughts I obviously felt shame as there are many undisciplined ideas that make way through the foolishness of my brain having come from the darkness of my heart: much lust in that I’m not as pure as I like to lead on - I fear for the day that I’m tempted by an attractive boy who shows interest in me; excessive selfishness as I feel entitled to things of which I am incredibly undeserving; but mostly I’ve been thinking of the God’s grace to me. I live in a house full of people whose sin I often weigh more heavily than I should and in a twisted scheme of considering myself more highly than they I selfishly elevate myself in my heart and thus sin against them. I hurt these people I love and react to their expressions of kindness in hurtful manners and am therefore deemed to be an unfair and poor friend in return to their generosity of care. And by the blood of Christ, they are nothing but patient and compassionate toward me. Through these roommates with whom I’ve been allowed to live God has been incredibly patient and compassionate and it just doesn’t sit well, I guess. I do understand that I am very weak and won’t understand God’s beautiful mysteriousness, but I’d be much more comfortable wish harsh discipline. I deserve to be spit out of this house but am instead cared for more softly. It’s as though He anticipated and knows of the reaction I’d experience and gave me His grace because of it as it’d be most effective in my desire and fear for Him.