It’s been quite some time since I posted what goes on in my heart. And that’s because an "old friend" briefly taunted me about those published thoughts just like he did when I was in middle school – he used to mispronounce my name to get me to cry to expose my excessively ridiculous sensitivity. Looking back to that era of embarrassing moments that is middle school I consider my over-emotional reaction to be that which brings upon the shame more so than the mispronunciation. And I guess I haven’t changed much because I feel embarrassed just the same, knowing that someone is insensitively critical of my blog posts.
And so I’m feeling the conviction that comes from my attempts to protect my image, the pride that is my insecurity. I considered ending my blog because of some not-so-harsh teases that I over exaggerate in my brain and am trying to fight against it.
Because Jesus saved me and because I go to Doxa Community Church
My spirituality has been quite dry lately. I’ve had not much affection for the God who miraculously saved me from hell’s depths. I’ve tried to remind myself of his incredible goodness to inspire feeling better but my little, baby heart has barely budged from her apathetic futility. Graciously, God made me aware of my desire for him, that I missed his infectious dwelling in my soul, that I want Him back. I keep thinking of John Piper's words; "God is most glorified in me when I am most satisfied in Him" and I have a weighty fear of falsely portraying the gospel to thsoe who don't know Him because of my current funk of being not so satisfied. I want to be not in this funk.
In my honest efforts to fix this painful problem I prayed for last night’s community group to be good and convicting; I’d missed the conviction to remind me of my relationship with Jesus. Fortunately and unfortunately, God granted my request. I’m trying not to resent Him for it and if that doesn’t sound as awful as it is, you’re as crazy as I am. Pastor Brian carefully and pastorally challenged us to do a better job of growing in relationship with one another; we currently suck at being friends. I can’t say that this is untrue of myself for I’m the poorest friend. I am okay with the comfort that is shallow relationships; I don’t like to dive deeper than preferred. The recent times I’ve attempted to honor Christ through my friendships haven’t gone well and I’ve door a poor job, too, of reconciling. Detrimentally, I’m okay with that. I’m okay with maintaining the brokenness, with pretending my friendships are not broken. When Brian asked us to be intimate with one another by asking each other ways we’ve committed sin, my heart practically stopped and I had to try hard to not let the waterfalls pour out of my eye balls.
I get anxious and overwhelmed about many things but this is the most overwhelming thing that has ever happened to me (I'm also alittle dramatic...). I don’t want to anyone to ask me ways they’ve sinned against me. I don’t want to ask anyone how I’ve hurt them. And this is because I want to protect that blasted image. I want to continue to believe that I'm pretty great, which puts a thick veil between me and Jesus. On one hand I want to know and care for people better and be aware of my sin that I might better fight against it. On the other larger, fatter-fingered hand I want to avoid that pain. Much of my selfish heart doesn’t want to grow in those relationships because I know how painful relationships are. I am afraid of the amount of sin that truly dominates my being; my pride would rather steadily dwell. Instead of continuing each exchange with my friends with, “Please don’t ask me any questions right now,” to avoid the good growth I think I might pray to be better, to honor Christ more obediently instead of choosing wrongfully the ways I might bring him glory. Because this whole time I’ve been trying to glorify myself more so than the God who is so loving to bring me to and through these trials. Because I am weak and worldly without him; living to be good is no good without his goodness, that which is truly good.
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