A Blog Apology

I must ask for the greatest amount of forgiveness. Because of my pride, I’ve not published my life’s happenings with a hopeful heart that God might encourage the couple of you who read along with my weirdo life. Instead I’ve considered it more beneficial to myself to withhold all that has happened to protect myself from judgment and false speculation. But it was my judgment and speculation that kept me from proclaiming the incredible gifts God has given me. And it was my closest friends who helped me carefully see my idiocy. And let me tell ya, there is a lot of it.

I’ve been made aware of much weakness since the last day of January. There’s a fella, a real handsome, gentlemanly one, who’s admitted a bit of likeness for me back then in the ever romantic isle that holds plumbing supplies inside Renton’s most reliable hardware store. And shoot dang, I like him back. Our moment of confessed affection was entertainingly perfect. But that’s only a baby detail of what’s happened so far.

I’m the loser lady who’s liked him the longest. But because I’m a gal, I prefer for the fella to do the pursuing. I want to be daintily feminine, not over eager. It’s been a tough go of it, but God’s timing in all this has been quite incredible and Jake (that’s him) expressed his respectable masculinity by doing the pursuing. Now that our feelings are mutual and wonderful we’re able to share and grow with the people closest to us. Our Doxa Community, therefore, has been heavily affected and even more so have been the roommates in our home.

Oh, awkward. We live together. Already. Christian couples aren’t supposed to live together. And that is why I’ve allowed my fear of unfair judgment to feel justified in sharing not of Jake and myself. In September of 2009 we both moved to Renton to start this church with Pastor Brian Morgan and his family. God was good to provide inexpensive living in a big home that was once a home for elderly folks. So we lived together prior to knowing of each others’ affection. It’s a peculiar situation but has been used greatly for much growth. God has used my home to help me acknowledge and fight sin and weakness, allowing those that still dwell in my dark heart to continue to be dealt with in his good timing and has also made able the fight for God’s glory.

Jake’s a babe, so living with him has always been hard. Now that we care for each other more intimately and have grown in our likeness for each other, I can talk more openly with my roommates and community. Our relationship, like any other change, has naturally had a dominatingly heavy affect on everyone. We act different, I’m different, dynamics are different. Not bad, not sinful, but hard to adjust to. Jake has become a heighty priority and now, with the help of Pastor Brian Morgan, I’m capable to experientially understand what the Apostle Paul meant when he said it is better to be single in that I’m more available to serving people more fervently. As this relationship is new, I am desperate for patience to figure out how to balance time spent with friends in order to serve them and ensure I still care for them, even though I care much for this fella. I’m eternally grateful for the gospel so that I’m granted forgiveness for the sin I have and will commit against my friends. I’m more in love with Jesus through this experience because I continue to grow dependant on His strength to purify me as I endure all kinds of relationships as a sinful girl.  

I want most to honor Christ in every aspect of my life, including the aspect that is boyfriending Jake. Jake is moving out so we’re not tempted to sin in the way that is obvious. Already I can’t help but hold onto his arm, allowing his physical touch to express his care for me and if we were continue to live three doors away from each other… well, it would be real dangerous as progression in affection is, even without sin,  progressive in expression. God has been so good to gift me in the ways he has, already using Jake to point me to Himself, which has been the very best thing. I can type for days about how much I like this guy. But ultimately, I get to love Jesus more and am understanding how to do that with this relationship. The greatness of growing into knowing this guy is only a fraction of the greatness of learning God’s glory, growing into likeness of Christ and community with Him. And God’s given me Doxa Community Church to grow with through all this incredibly incredible season of my life. And this growth is so beautiful.