Just A Giddy Gal

I’ve not been writing so much lately. I tend to go through seasons of being excited about certain things (i.e. blogging and journaling) then after a very little while let that excitement trail off and be not so exciting anymore. My fervent bones have become lazy bones and I’ve cared not to take the time to fight through the lowly moments of not wanting to scribble my thought. But oh, how there has been much going on in my little heart! I will write all about that which is most exciting and his name is Jake Pearce.

I don’t know that I have ever felt this way about a fella, or any other human for that matter. I find myself wishing I were with him when I am not, and am so thankful for the moments we spend together. I love most everything about him: his beard, his lips, his arms, his truck, his thoughts and mostly his heart. We have opened the smooching door, and let me tell ya, it’s a really fun door to have opened. I’ve not ever kissed anyone, other than my mother of course, and it’s almost the most wonderful thing I have ever experienced.

I could talk about this magical loveliness forever, so I have therefore spent much worthy time in prayer, confessing my desperation to Jesus to help us A) not prioritize kissin ’ over one another’s love for Christ and B) not be anymore curious to explore one another and enter into sin. What gives me much hope is the gospel in itself as Jesus has given me the greatest gift in allowing my foolish heart to understand the beauty of his having died in my place to consider me righteous before him, therefore breaking the bonds of my flesh from her slavery to sin and arming me to fight against it. With Doxa Community Church and the relationships within have I been given much wisdom and care which influence me to understand both the darkness of falling into sin and the help to talk through and allow the Holy Spirit to direct our hearts before knowing that detrimental plunge.

Jake and I are both sinners. Deh. We will sin against one another, against our friends, and against God. And that is a heartbreaking reality. I want not to hurt Jake, my friends, or my Savior. I want not to take advantage of the grace I’ve been given but want to remember Jesus before I fall into shame. But I am an incredibly imperfect human, one who sins and hurts and oftentimes chooses self over anyone else. But we, that is, me and my guy, are trying hard to avoid the sins that are fondling and sexting and perverting; because when done outside of the union of marriage, Jesus calls those things sin. Knowing how easy it is to, you know, do the dirty as two humans fall into the L-word, we have rightly emphasized our attempts to avoid the physical darkness (don’t tell him I publicly brought up that L-word. We’ve not confessed it to one another… J).

And so I am immensely thankful for growing in a crazy-awesome relationship with this guy, and am so blessed by my friends to be prayerful for us. Because while I reeeeally do look forward to smoochin’, I more so look forward to talking with him. I love so much getting to know his heart; to see how much he loves Jesus is so beneficial. He reminds me to pray and is curious about the thoughts and attitudes of my heart, even when they’re ugly. He is intentional about learning more about who I am (I’m incredibly thankful to Pastor Brian for advising us to continue to be intentional about our emotional, intellectual and spiritual growth). He buys me tea so we can go out and chat but not spend billions. He talks about his attempts to mortify sin and to give no room for justifying troubles of the flesh. He guides our discussions, motivating good ones. What a guy, I’ve got.

This fearfully familiar feeling that I’ve not ever felt before is quite incredible, and all I wanna do it talk to Jake Pearce all about it! I know that we won’t always be in the honeymooner stage, but let me tell ya; life is beautiful.

Overwhelming Eggs

It has not yet even come but so far this year, Easter is crazytown! Our Doxa Community Church was given the opportunity to put on the egg hunt for all of Renton. We have posted precious fliers throughout the city, Brian has posted much information on neighborhood websites, and we have even been advertised in places we do not yet know. So Morgan Morgan, the wonderful wifey of Brian Morgan, received a phone call yesterday warning us to expect bazillions of youngins. Though this is the best problem to have, I am overwhelmed by what we have gotten ourselves into! (Also, my apostrophe key is not working and that also makes me overwhelmed.) The thought of someone coming to our Easter Service this Sunday because of being invited at the hunt and then falling in love with Jesus is so incredible. Doxa events around such holidays do not tend to go so well so it is more than easy to be faithless. But at this point my little heart is leaping for much joy; joy that comes from Jesus working in hearts!

Then Morgan got another call today from the folks who send the plastic easter eggs. And it does not look like they will get to us until Saturday evening. Our Renton Hunt is Saturday morning. So we are in a pickle. And are even more so because Toys R Us does not have any in stock. The Auburn location did not even receive any Easter products at all. What. The. Heck.

So pray for us! I am not too worried as we will certainly find a way. Servant hearted Morgan is out shopping to find what she can, my lovely mother and sisters are doing what they can to scramble up as many eggs from our childhood as possible, and God always provides. But we need all the help we can get. So pray for us and come to Doxa on Sunday Morning at 10 am  to hear about the incredible, scandalous story of Jesus Christ.

Apples and Eyeballs

Like the fool that I am, I oftentimes forget to pray. I forget to remember that I need Jesus and His goodness; I need His strength because I am waywardly weak. I am quick to consider myself strong enough to avoid sin on my own as though I weren’t enslaved to it before Jesus saved me from that darkness. And so I get to pray now; God has been good to lead me to the book of Proverbs to read today in order that I might desire true wisdom. I can therefore pray hard to be reliant on the work of the cross so I can live obediently to Christ in my efforts to express my thankfulness for what He’s done for me. I get to fight hard to avoid sin because He didn’t save me to the ongoing slavery of my flesh but freed me from that weakness.

Proverbs 7:1-3

My son, keep my words

and treasure up my commandments

                   with you;

keep my commandments and live;

     keep my teachings the apple of your eye;

bind them on your fingers;

     write them on the tablet of your heart.

A Blog Apology

I must ask for the greatest amount of forgiveness. Because of my pride, I’ve not published my life’s happenings with a hopeful heart that God might encourage the couple of you who read along with my weirdo life. Instead I’ve considered it more beneficial to myself to withhold all that has happened to protect myself from judgment and false speculation. But it was my judgment and speculation that kept me from proclaiming the incredible gifts God has given me. And it was my closest friends who helped me carefully see my idiocy. And let me tell ya, there is a lot of it.

I’ve been made aware of much weakness since the last day of January. There’s a fella, a real handsome, gentlemanly one, who’s admitted a bit of likeness for me back then in the ever romantic isle that holds plumbing supplies inside Renton’s most reliable hardware store. And shoot dang, I like him back. Our moment of confessed affection was entertainingly perfect. But that’s only a baby detail of what’s happened so far.

I’m the loser lady who’s liked him the longest. But because I’m a gal, I prefer for the fella to do the pursuing. I want to be daintily feminine, not over eager. It’s been a tough go of it, but God’s timing in all this has been quite incredible and Jake (that’s him) expressed his respectable masculinity by doing the pursuing. Now that our feelings are mutual and wonderful we’re able to share and grow with the people closest to us. Our Doxa Community, therefore, has been heavily affected and even more so have been the roommates in our home.

Oh, awkward. We live together. Already. Christian couples aren’t supposed to live together. And that is why I’ve allowed my fear of unfair judgment to feel justified in sharing not of Jake and myself. In September of 2009 we both moved to Renton to start this church with Pastor Brian Morgan and his family. God was good to provide inexpensive living in a big home that was once a home for elderly folks. So we lived together prior to knowing of each others’ affection. It’s a peculiar situation but has been used greatly for much growth. God has used my home to help me acknowledge and fight sin and weakness, allowing those that still dwell in my dark heart to continue to be dealt with in his good timing and has also made able the fight for God’s glory.

Jake’s a babe, so living with him has always been hard. Now that we care for each other more intimately and have grown in our likeness for each other, I can talk more openly with my roommates and community. Our relationship, like any other change, has naturally had a dominatingly heavy affect on everyone. We act different, I’m different, dynamics are different. Not bad, not sinful, but hard to adjust to. Jake has become a heighty priority and now, with the help of Pastor Brian Morgan, I’m capable to experientially understand what the Apostle Paul meant when he said it is better to be single in that I’m more available to serving people more fervently. As this relationship is new, I am desperate for patience to figure out how to balance time spent with friends in order to serve them and ensure I still care for them, even though I care much for this fella. I’m eternally grateful for the gospel so that I’m granted forgiveness for the sin I have and will commit against my friends. I’m more in love with Jesus through this experience because I continue to grow dependant on His strength to purify me as I endure all kinds of relationships as a sinful girl.  

I want most to honor Christ in every aspect of my life, including the aspect that is boyfriending Jake. Jake is moving out so we’re not tempted to sin in the way that is obvious. Already I can’t help but hold onto his arm, allowing his physical touch to express his care for me and if we were continue to live three doors away from each other… well, it would be real dangerous as progression in affection is, even without sin,  progressive in expression. God has been so good to gift me in the ways he has, already using Jake to point me to Himself, which has been the very best thing. I can type for days about how much I like this guy. But ultimately, I get to love Jesus more and am understanding how to do that with this relationship. The greatness of growing into knowing this guy is only a fraction of the greatness of learning God’s glory, growing into likeness of Christ and community with Him. And God’s given me Doxa Community Church to grow with through all this incredibly incredible season of my life. And this growth is so beautiful.

Painting Patience

I’m another chick who loves life wasting on the wonderful website that is Pinterest. I love the do-it-yourself decoration ideas so much that my room is full of ‘em! My most favorite thing? Turning pallets into shelves. Seriously. Beautiful. A long while ago I snagged one from my dad’s workplace (he works in a rugged, manly trucking company that’s full of ‘em), bought some sand paper and cute colored paint, and made myself the trendiest little shelf. It’s too heavy to hang on my rented home’s walls so it’s still hangin’ out in the corner of my bedroom but at least it’s pretty.

My closest friends rightfully tease me for my quirky affection. But there’s one gentlemanly friend who has gifted me two pallets since learning of my love for them. His workplace, like my Pa’s, is rugged and manly and those pallets need a home (this is why I am likely to die alone). So just like my older pallet, I got to paint the new ones. Today I sanded them down and opened the bucket of cute colored paint, who’s lid was rusted on because of my not having painted in quite some time.

The color of the paint was distorted as the oils had naturally separated. I was afraid I’d have to buy a new can because this one had endured the snow and I don’t know what happens when paint freezes. Inside the can was a musty, rusted color – one that I did not want to color my pallets. I had a nifty stirring stick and was hopeful that the color would obediently return to the favored shade as I mixed. It was cold outside and I hadn’t wanted to stand there for long. It took me forever to find the result I wanted but as I endured the physical labor (it was a big deal) I wanted to give up. Eventually the paint became the cute color I wanted and I painted away. And my cute new shelving units are drying.

I know I’m unlike Jesus in many ways but I couldn’t help but consider God’s character as I tried to remain patient with the becoming of my paint’s pure color. He’s patient and I am not which makes me fall more in love with His grace. I know this imagery is corny, but growing into becoming more like Jesus has taken me so long to get only to this point in my life. Where I’ve grown in many areas there seem to be all the more sins to fight against. Like the paint, it’ll take me what seems to be forever to become something pure and beautiful. As I count the many blessings God has graciously grown me through, I get to grow more in likeness of Him while I continue to grow in patience with His will for my life and others.

There is much expected fruit with being part of a church plant. We are here to see people saved as we grow our Doxa Community. And I wanted to see that fruit two and a half years ago. He’s given much but not as I’d hoped to see it (which has been ultimately beneficial but still incredibly hard). God has made it abundantly clear that this church is His, which I'm understanding to be more than I could ever need. As we continue to preach the gospel in our little building and fight for relational growth,  I hope for a patient heart as God grants his goodness in ways that I’ll still not expect. I hope to push through the hard seasons for I know more than ever that they’ll continue to come, that I might find more Christlikeness in the long run in myself and those around me.

Boxing Gloves

We somehow made it to Starbucks through the iced-over road ways. It sure is nice to get out of that big, lovely house of mine. But I don’t like to be stuck and stuck I’ve been. Because of the ever-exciting, beautiful snow that has interrupted our lives in one way or another I’ve been deterred from making it to work. On Monday I worked all the live long day so because I could not make it out of my driveway I rode the bus to and my truck-owning friend who is the gentlemanliest picked me up. I wasn’t expected to work Tuesday and Wednesday so I’ve enjoyed my white wonderlanded “weekend.” But my work Monday has come and I cannot go because of the ice that used to be snow (see what I did there?). So while it feels like nothing has happened because I’ve stayed in my Renton House (except for when we got donuts from chucks and did donuts in a parking lot – funfunfun) so much has happened in my infant-esque heart.

I am the greatest of hypocrites. I want not to be a day-waster so I encourage others to waste not. But drop 3-5 inches of coldness in my driveway and my justified inability to drive anywhere will be that which fools me into the depths of mind-numbing laziness. But it feels so gooood. And so I want more of that sweat-pants-only kind of a lazy life; and that's because I want to honor myself more so than my Savior.

What I’ve found the Holy Spirit convicting of me most lately is for the things I choose to fight for which are unfortunately things Christ came not to die. Fighting is a consistent theme at Doxa Community Church and I’ve been graciously given a desire to know the things that are worth pursuing hard for and those things that keep me weak, being strengthened to fight against them. Like Pastor Brian regularly says, we want to be a church that is known for fighting for people and things, not against them. And where it is abundantly necessary to fight against sin as we’ve been made able to do, I want to be a gal that fights for passion and truth and love and servant heartedness and all good things that are God-glorifying.

Unfortunately, it’s not such a noble fight to waste my day, even when the snow falls. It’s a fight in my brain against that laziness, to find ways to explore the seemingly lesser freedoms of not driving. But God is still good even when I can’t drive my Opal Car (which happens more often than a yearly freeze out…) and I can still choose to fervently serve Him.

God has been gracious to give me the people he has, allowing their insights to be catalysts of the conviction that the Holy Spirit brings to remind me of sin and weakness, which is freakin’ everywhere in here. But since back tracking the few days of my past, I want not to remain in that weakness and instead remember it is Christ’s strength that motivates my fight. Because otherwise I’d still be dead in my sin, hopeless and desperate to nothing worth being desperate for, ignorant to the true realities.

Psalm 144:1

Blessed is theLord, my rock, who trains my hands for war, and my fingers for battle.

Pride's Poison

It’s been quite some time since I posted what goes on in my heart. And that’s because an "old friend" briefly taunted me about those published thoughts just like he did when I was in middle school – he used to mispronounce my name to get me to cry to expose my excessively ridiculous sensitivity. Looking back to that era of embarrassing moments that is middle school I consider my over-emotional reaction to be that which brings upon the shame more so than the mispronunciation. And I guess I haven’t changed much because I feel embarrassed just the same, knowing that someone is insensitively critical of my blog posts.

And so I’m feeling the conviction that comes from my attempts to protect my image, the pride that is my insecurity. I considered ending my blog because of some not-so-harsh teases that I over exaggerate in my brain and am trying to fight against it.

Because Jesus saved me and because I go to Doxa Community Church I’ve been given the strength to admit and fight against my sin. I wasn’t saved for it; I wasn’t bought with the heightiest price to continue in it. I was saved by grace to be freed from it.

My spirituality has been quite dry lately. I’ve had not much affection for the God who miraculously saved me from hell’s depths. I’ve tried to remind myself of his incredible goodness to inspire feeling better but my little, baby heart has barely budged from her apathetic futility. Graciously, God made me aware of my desire for him, that I missed his infectious dwelling in my soul, that I want Him back. I keep thinking of John Piper's words; "God is most glorified in me when I am most satisfied in Him" and I have a weighty fear of falsely portraying the gospel to thsoe who don't know Him because of my current funk of being not so satisfied. I want to be not in this funk.

In my honest efforts to fix this painful problem I prayed for last night’s community group to be good and convicting; I’d missed the conviction to remind me of my relationship with Jesus. Fortunately and unfortunately, God granted my request. I’m trying not to resent Him for it and if that doesn’t sound as awful as it is, you’re as crazy as I am. Pastor Brian carefully and pastorally challenged us to do a better job of growing in relationship with one another; we currently suck at being friends. I can’t say that this is untrue of myself for I’m the poorest friend. I am okay with the comfort that is shallow relationships; I don’t like to dive deeper than preferred. The recent times I’ve attempted to honor Christ through my friendships haven’t gone well and I’ve door a poor job, too, of reconciling. Detrimentally, I’m okay with that. I’m okay with maintaining the brokenness, with pretending my friendships are not broken. When Brian asked us to be intimate with one another by asking each other ways we’ve committed sin, my heart practically stopped and I had to try hard to not let the waterfalls pour out of my eye balls.

I get anxious and overwhelmed about many things but this is the most overwhelming thing that has ever happened to me (I'm also alittle dramatic...). I don’t want to anyone to ask me ways they’ve sinned against me. I don’t want to ask anyone how I’ve hurt them. And this is because I want to protect that blasted image. I want to continue to believe that I'm pretty great, which puts a thick veil between me and Jesus. On one hand I want to know and care for people better and be aware of my sin that I might better fight against it. On the other larger, fatter-fingered hand I want to avoid that pain. Much of my selfish heart doesn’t want to grow in those relationships because I know how painful relationships are. I am afraid of the amount of sin that truly dominates my being; my pride would rather steadily dwell. Instead of continuing each exchange with my friends with, “Please don’t ask me any questions right now,” to avoid the good growth I think I might pray to be better, to honor Christ more obediently instead of choosing wrongfully the ways I might bring him glory. Because this whole time I’ve been trying to glorify myself more so than the God who is so loving to bring me to and through these trials. Because I am weak and worldly without him; living to be good is no good without his goodness, that which is truly good.