Crazy Lady-ness

On Tuesday mornings some of us from Doxa get together at our little building (located at 1082 Kirkland Avenue Renton, WA 98059 -- Sunday morning at 10 am is the best time to stop by) to pray for the area, each other, and needs of the church. This week, God was gracious to reveal through some wonderful folks that I’ve avoided personal prayer for quite some time which painfully makes me aware of the heavy conviction for the fact that I’m convinced that Jesus is not enough for me; can’t help but be outraged by my stupidity. Pastor Brian preached a message on Sunday that helped me (rather emotionally) understand my blindness. Since then, I’ve still chosen foolishness. Every part of my flesh runs from Christ even when I see his goodness; it is the Holy Spirit who has strengthened me to be here at all. By my own self I choose all things but those that are good; I prefer darkness to the beauty of God’s glory.

I’ve found that I’ve been alittle out of it lately. I don’t know what is wrong with my brain. I even went on a run this morning and thought about nothing; when I run I usually pray and think deep thoughts. Instead of those good things my mind was blank and couldn’t wonder about anything other than the continued motion of putting one foot in front of the other. These last few weeks have been different, something is off. I had hoped I could contribute my weirdo-ness to lady time but it has ended and I’m still going crazy.

I’ve tried to figure things out for myself. As previously mentioned, I’ve not even committed the thoughts and attitudes of my heart to prayer. And there is something dangerous about this kind of solitude. Why do I fall so quickly into ridiculousness? Here I am, a part of an incredible people called Doxa Community Church and I still let my pride conquer my heart. After two years of much growth I have seemed to regress into selfishness, not caring to allow others to help me figure things out. My embarrassment of weakness influences my fear of vulnerability, allowing me to sprint from the growth I am privileged to endure. I’m a fool, a gosh darn fool. I’ve spent many moons trying to figure myself out. Can’t do it alone because let me be the first to proclaim that my life is the messiest. Oh, how I wish I could do it alone. That selfish heart is the one that has denied my community of being used by God to help me through trial. I can’t say that I want to display my sin across the universe but how beautiful it is when I share my heart with those whom Jesus has given me to live life with.