Lately I’ve been trying to keep myself from facebooking before I fall asleep. I got into the nasty habit of stalking other people’s profiles as a way of numbing my brain to reality. For no reason outside of foolishness did I start up this poor tendency but it sure did take a toll on my desire to pray; unfortunately the prayerlessness of my heart is quick to affect my love for Christ and I am willingly blinded to my reliance on Him. How heartbreaking it is to know that I am more accustomed to my obedience to destructive rubbishness than I am to fight for purity. My entire flesh desires the comfort of weakness as though it were more beneficial than striving for godliness.
For a couple weeks or so I fought to intently pray before falling asleep but last night I failed. I snuggled up into the multiple layers of my bed’s blankets and began the two hours of life-wasting-sleeplessness. And I knew that as I continued staring off into the status updates of my cyber friends I was fighting to forget the blasted conviction I’d been currently feeling. Sound it out with me: IIIDDIIIOOOTTT. That is what I love to be.
Oh Jesus, when I feel the weightiness of my soul’s weakness, help me fight to know you and to run to your scriptures, being convinced of the beauty of your truth, just as Colossians 1:13 says. Continue to grow my heart to desire you more than myself and to know in the depths of my being that you are better than my failure. Give me the peace of knowing that though I was once alienated, you have reconciled me to yourself and I have been graciously given the ability to grow in love for you. Help me fight for you more so than I fight for myself. I’ve been blessed with the understanding of such death; I need you, Father, to sanctify me into the servant who considers that death to be tasteless.
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