I have been confronted with much pain and struggle lately; the theme of that which is to be fought for amidst strife has been heavily dwelling on my brain. Sure, I face different degrees of hardship with my every day but the guidance which God has graciously opened my eyes to has allowed me to fight to serve Him, making said strife slightly less painful and mysteriously joyful.
I know not many humans who find happiness in things that hurt. We sprint hard from those the things. At least I do. I allow my emotional status to feed off of lowest, loneliest moments and experience not much joy in life’s many detriments. I feel, though, that with the help of those in my Doxa community, God has grown me a bit. Sunday sermons, book group meetings, discussions at community group, corporate prayer, and day to day conversations that exhibit God’s goodness have been powerful catalysts to my understanding of a continued effort to glorify God in the ordinary practices of my life.
I’ve lately been recognizing the way I sin against others, the ways others sin against me, and the ways that I sin against God. The realization of my sin influences a deep sorrowful regret of choosing myself over God’s goodness. In those moments how might I imitate Paul in Colossians 1 and “rejoice in my sufferings?” I am not happy when I am sad. Duh. I think, though, that the sadness which comes from godly sorrow influences my heart’s efforts to be directed on Christ rather than darkness and there is much joy in Christ as it is his righteousness that purifies me and strengthens me to desire joyfulness. I am made able to find happiness in knowing that He grants me a heart that is repentant as He is gracious to reveal my weakness.
But I do a poor job of remembering my committed sin when others sin against me. I feel the pain of their selfish intention as though I’m less selfish (allowing my pride to flourish in the blasted consideration of being the best human). Because of Jesus' myseteriously beautiful act of imputing righteouesness I can look past the particular sin that has been committed against me, choose to forgive, and fight to see his perfection in the place of that sin. God doesn’t cover only my blemishes with his purity but does also every other person He has chosen and in an interesting scheme allows for their actions to be used for both their good and mine. He’s not only gifted me forgiveness from the sin I commit against Him but grants me the ability to grow into likeness of him and have a heart that is forgiving to others when they hurt me.
This beautiful truth is quite mysterious to me as I am the most impatient, least forgiving lady in all the land. I remember the yesterdays, proclaiming forgiveness while welcoming bitterness even after forgiveness was requested. While my heart is still hard and wayward in many ways, God has softened a few parts and I think I’m finally coming to understand this incredible attribute. Here’s to much prayer for the practice of being forgiving so that I don’t only understand and continue in sin. Just don’t tell anyone it has taken me twenty two years…
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