The Not So Lovely Bones

It’s already the fifteenth. Dang. That means it’s been thirteen days since I’ve last taken time to sit and consider my thoughts and evaluate my dark, little heart. That means that my efforts of journaling (which turn into blogging) have been neglected, obviously. And this lack of self evaluation, which I usually publicize with the intention of encouraging my friendly friends unto God’s goodness in the midst of my failure, has allowed my humanistic tendency to spiral downward, growing in pride and selfishness.

At Doxa Community Church 1082 Kirkland Avenue NE of Renton, Washington 98059 on Sunday Pastor Brian Morgan influenced my understanding of biblical zealousness. When he’d announced a few days previous that he’d be preaching on this emotion, communicated in the 119^th chapter of the Psalms, I considered only excitement for listening to that which Brian had to say as I am already a master of being passionate. Psh, hear that ridiculousness? So I instead faced the harshest conviction I’ve experienced in quite some time. Everyone is zealous for something, he told us and God was quick to reveal that I’m despicably more zealous for myself than I am for Christ. I love myself more; I do that which I consider to be most beneficial for self more so than I my desire to be obedient to God. I am quick to forget that His truth is abundantly more beneficial. As I sat and felt the pain of coming to understand this sin I’ve come to question my understanding of what I know to be beneficial. It is my own selfish heart that decides what is best for me. I am quick to decide for myself, slow to run to God in prayer for his most beautiful wisdom and am even slothlier (pretend that’s a real word) to allow scripture to influence my understanding.

God is so good to convict me, to allow me to know of my sin that I might repent and run back to him after trying for thirteen days to hide as though he knows not each intention of my heart. In the darkest moments of my proudest days I fight to love myself and He always brings me back. I deserve not his slightest graciousness but am immensely thankful for these ways that He continues to bruise me. His is my consistent truth, even when I flourish in foolishness.