newlygaged

I really wish I had been journaling more about our engagement thus far, but everything has been such a whirl! I still cannot believe that Jake asked me to be his forever gal. I am the blessedest lady to get to be his wife, and to have him as my husband!! And!! I just want to use exclamation points all the time!!! Sure, the I've-never-been-naked jitters have set in, as well as the heightened lust and willingness to explore my fiance. Alas, our fight has become stricter, challenging our love to be true in her growth until...you know.
But in comes the wedding planning. I think I thought Id be better at this than I am. I really am bad at the planning. I just want there to be a party; I don't want to spend the money, to book the things that are to be booked, to have to be disciplined in my communication. I wish I didn't have to buy a glamorous dress; I am already afraid of everyone anticipating their seeing me. I am, though, confident that Jake will have my eyes, that I will see only him, that literally becoming his wife will be the best and biggest thought in my heart. Of that fact, warmth fills my insides. But then the need to book a caterer, and photographer, and florist, and on and on and on... that crap freaks me out. So I have been alittle crazed. And its only been one month! Yikes. Lucky for me, Jake gets overwhelmed too. What a pair, we are :)
We did have our first premarital counseling session last night! It was wonderful. Our future marriage was actually tangible as we listened and talked through what it will be to reconcile and forgive one another. Sure, knowing I wont do well as I adjust to the ultimate togetherness did jumble my fears. There was, though, and incredible, hopeful excitement, to share these things with the love of my life. And so, last night was the first time my heart has been convinced of becoming the wife of the most incredible man I've ever known.

Thursday Night at 5 O'Clock

The Food Drive!! A couple of months ago, Pastor Brian challenged us to grow in our evangelism, and my outlet was the organization of Doxa's First Food Drive. I was overwhelmed, though the input was small in comparison to the others' outreaches. But I became something more of a responsible adult as I crawled just a little ways out of my comfort zone to coordinate with a few folks in charge to organize the time and place of the drive. I got some nos, which made the yes an awkward surprise.
Here's what happened: Grocery Store A told me no. When I went into Grocery Store B, I learned that big corporate businesses need first a formalized business letter to begin the process of requesting the use of their premises. So I wrote that business letter, submitted it, and they did not respond via telephone. So though I expected denial, I walked in like a timid fool girl and reemphasized my request. When the manager of that Grocery Store B effortlessly approved what I had asked for, I plainly said thank you and walked away like an idiot! As I departed, fists clenched in embarrassment, I harshly questioned with the intensest whisper why I hadn't stayed to confirm with important questions. But we weren't denied!! Wahooo!! And everything cleared itself up, mainly because God is good.
So then, with the help of some pals, I made some handouts, decorated some boxes and set up a table to execute my part in our unified attempt to grow God's church.
We got there just before 5 to set up our sweet little table-booth, just where management told us, to start handing out invitation-included fliers to suggest a list of donate-able goods. It wasn't until later that we learned that women are grumps when you are just slightly in the way of the public mail box; how I wish older women would choose a sweet "excuse me" over a facial expression that made obvious the desire to kill. As expected, we got a handful of rude folk, but mostly some real givers! I think I had overlooked the obvious reality that people would donate, and donate they did! Jake's pickup wasn't big enough to hold all the food; a gent even wrote a $500 check (the sly part of my wicked soul wishes he had made the check  out to Corianne Castagno...I mean Doxa Community Church... instead of the to Renton Food Bank)!! But seriously, Renton is home to quite the diverse crowd, and how honored I feel to have seen more of the faces that my city is full of.
How fun it was to share this memory with some of Doxa's most selfless members to give their time to help me. We are yet to see the outcome of our true intent - that is, the sharing of the gospel by the proclamation at Doxa. I am praying hard for the folks that we met to give us a visit, for the Holy Spirit to incline their hearts for a rich love for the good God through whom all blessings flow!!
Pray with us, if you will!! And by all means, stop by our church to hear some words about the Jesus who makes hope beautifully graspable :))

PS -- Big thanks to The Posey Family for their abundant assistance; could not have done it without this radical, young couple!

Reach Out, You Sinner

I have been thinking a lot about my Doxa Community Church. We had community group on Tuesday, and it is there where we share life intentionally, prayerfully, and vulnerably  I always leave feeling cared for, and am thankful to Jesus for the church He allows me to grow with. Most weeks, I do fear the deep, challenging discussions I know we will struggle through. But I do trust that it is for the good of those who love Jesus and call Doxa their home. As Elder Ryan Strieby said, community is the heart beat of Doxa, and so, even when messy, we strive to glorify the good God who has made Himself known to us by His Holy Bible with one another. The togetherness of our church fam not only encourages one another to be stirred up unto becoming like Jesus, but also weaves out the common assumptions that any of us, mostly myself, can make about who we want Jesus to be. So though my human heart wants to decide for myself what is best for my life, God has given me people to help me discern what is truly best, and that which is best for me is also obedient to Christ.
With that, I want more and more folks to share in that. I desire so badly for more people to come and learn about who Jesus truly is, and join us in living to glorify Him.
Just a short time ago, we were unsure of whether Doxa would make it. For three years we saw little to no growth, and God finally woke us up to our foolish laziness of failed evangelism. So there was a close possibility that we would fold, and be Doxa Community Church no longer. The almost reality was heartbreaking as I love my church dearly. And to know I had been a catalyst to her potential failure in my stubbornness made my stomach churn.
With lots of long talks of what needs to be done, we have been more evangelistic and God has grown our baby church some! People, people! Doxa is bigger than she was a year ago. Quite obviously, we get not to boast but will revel in the grace of God to his peculiar little bride. And! We must evangelize onward! But this is tough for lazy folk. For myself, at least, I want to rest... even though I didn't work so hard. I got what I wanted, and so I am entitled to being pathetic.
How disgusting is my soul? I take Gods glory for myself rather than praising Him for the blessings He has exposed to me. And still, He is patient and gracious to me. By revealing the reality of my heart, I am made able to ask for forgiveness and prayerfully rely on His goodness to keep on that evangelizing and outreaching, so that people in Renton might come to know this Jesus who has radically saved my wretched heart from her all-too-natural patterns of harm. Whoever they are, maybe they will come to community group one day; maybe they will allow Doxa to be the place where they become more like Jesus. Maybe they will allow the man who died on the cross to relate with them, and allow Him to be their righteousness. Oh, the hopes I have!
To combat my sinful flesh in an attempt to truly become a servant of Christ, making disciples in the place He has called me to, I have got this idea to host a Food Drive with Renton's Salvation Army. Sure, I must grow some in my adulthood enough to coordinate with a few public places to be a convenient pick up spot for food donations so there are some kinks to be worked out. And so I will pray hard that some will be encouraged by the work of our baby church to be in the community for community, and mostly for the sake of Jesus Christ. He suffered much, which is quite encouraging for the fear and laziness I can, because of Himself, overcome.

Jesus > Boyfriends

I missed Jake a lot today. Probably because he told me he missed me, and that opened the door to my missing, because I am a sad gal who is easily swayed my the emotions of others (something I must be prayerfully careful about!). So I spent my day being lonely and glum, because it is easy to idolize the relationship I have with my fella. In my pride, I do not want to admit idolatry. I want to believe that I can easily love Jesus more passionately than Jake. And though I do not consider spending much thought and prayer on our relationship to be bad, I know, too, that it is dangerous to terminate my thoughts on only ourselves. And today, I had a hard time not being lowly in that my soul had missed my boyfriend -- dundundun; that is a red flag, I think!! God is gracious to have convicted quickly. But still, even in my lazy sin, I selfishly took my time to allow that conviction to weigh heavily enough to repent. ((How broken I am suddenly to remember my potent foolishness. How much I deserve not to even have a boyfriend who points me to Jesus more than anyone ever has; because still I fail at allowing my soul to be pointed. This is when I pause and pray hard in my plea for underserved forgiveness.))
Because it was Monday, my weak heart was relieved since Jake and I would see each other. On this day each week, many of us from Doxa Community Church get together to grow in evangelism and encouragement for one another. Then we practice hatred by working out together. Pastor Brian leads us in a work out -- it has been only an hour since we left ze gym and I am already sore from our action-packed session!
When we finally got to talking though, there was the “wait-I-thought-we-missed-eachother...why-are-you-doing-that“ kind of exchange, which put a damper on that previously known I-miss-you excitement. I will say it straight, it was I who dampered. So when communicating gets tough, Jake gets overwhelmed. And when Jake gets overwhelmed, I get overwhelmed (let us quickly establish the fact that I am not the rational-est when I am whelmed). So there was some bickering. When we got into the car to head to the gym, I somehow became even moreso of a pill. Chicks are sometimes high-maintenance and that is what I was. Oops.
Because Jesus is our Savior, and mercifully loves us, we get to work out those blips, and work them out we did. Plus, I always somehow love him more when we come out of our little tiffs; I feel like we are stronger when we reach the resolution. Jake is always willing and leads well in that resolve. What a man, he is.
And since he left that gym to go to work, I have missed him already. Because I am lame, and it is often hard to fight my easy feelings of wanting to be with him all the time. And so, I will pray to grow in my love for Jesus Christ as He has been so good to open my eyes to my foolishness because He is glorious.

Teased by Tassels

I have not been very vocal, prayerful or even thoughtful about much this last week; le'ts see if I can sensibly bring this around in hopes for my heart to delight in Christ.
Since around Tuesday or so of last week I don't feel like myself. I have been discontent with nearly everything that is my life, which is the oddest as I usually feel that I am the happiest of clams. I was way more lazy; did a lot of couch-sitting, over sleeping, and not room cleaning or kitchen sweeping. I watched more television than I have in the last three years. I have let my body feel exhausted on more than 7 hours of sleep (last night was just about 9 hours; I'm disgusting). My room quite quickly messies itself under the lack of authority from my busy weekend and because I hate having a room that is unnecessarily cluttered I find a time to cleanse it ASAP. And I rightfully and sweetfully got the 'you're-not-doing-your-chores' talk. Through this crazed, lazed madness I have unfortunately not thought much; alittle thought, however, has been conceived. I don't care to give whatever this is much attention as I fear for the excessive selfishness that is those thoughts, so I'd rather not think them on purpose. Somehow, though, I think I've internally considered them without really knowing it (if that's a real thing). And so I will try and think them with the intent of being prayerfully provided with wisdom from the Holy Spirit and the beautiful scriptures I've been graciously given as Jesus Christ is good to me through his expression of incredible truth to purify the intentions of my heart and mind.
I was born back then and I live now, obviously. My life has consisted of some awesome events and some that are boring. I have been growing up for twenty-three years and I know I have much growth to achieve. But I turned twenty three just over a week ago and so I've been thinking more about who I am at the age that I am, and who I will be in the years to come. This is an incredibly annoying consideration as I'd think that I was secure enough in my confirmed love for Jesus that I don't need the worldliness. But my fleshly, world-loving soul is trying to convince me otherwise, I think.
The pictures and status-updates are flooding from every direction. Graduations. Everywhere. Even at work, parties for 40 or more galore are right there to celebrate, and rightfully so. I am unendingly (this is my blog, I can make up words) reminded of my considered failure of not acquiring for myself a college degree as its been four years since I graduated high school. Nearly everyone else from my Mount Si Class of 2008 now has the photographed proof of their geniusness, published to world via facebook. But my last documented activity is one that unfortunately captured a not-so-attractive pose. I only made the over exaggerated winky-face because we were excitedly celebrating the soon-to-be-wedded bachelorette, so everything is done crazily (Christian-crazily, that is. Bachellorette parties looks different when Jesus has expressed his saving grace. So I promise I wasn't drunk). But, like anyone might assume I'd think, I have found myself to be slightly bummed as I didn't graduate college so I don't have the tassel-turning albums posted to my page. I don't particularly care to have a college degree, but now that I'm seeing the peers I had had for four years turn into these career-pursuing folks make me feel alittle foolish as I still wait tables like a high schooler (except for not quite all the way because I work in a bar, so there's that...). My brain has been a-wonderin' about who I am and why I am the way I am without considering the woman I've become through the life I've lived because of the death Jesus took from me, for me.
So there it is; another birthday and a facebook update are enough to shatter my pride. What a loser I am to be reliant on whatever it is that facebook tries to provide. That overconfident fool that is Corianne Marie once thought that I couldn't been glum about my lack of geniusness that is an achieved Bachelors Degree. Because I can't say that I actually want one. My life really is beautiful, I know that for reals. I feel like I'm growing in the direction that I want to grow as I'm in a place that has influenced my understanding of my beautiful Savior. Up to this point I have fought to be passionate about the character of Christ. And even though I am that pathetic waitress to pay my bills, I love it. I don't find it pathetic usually as I love to serve people and have found my job as a beautiful tool to meet people that I might have the opportunity share the gospel, but I know other people consider me lesser for being a servant (seriously, sometimes people treat us like their personal slaves). I also know that this sudden pity-party is influenced by my disgusting sin of wanting to impress people more so than living out what Jesus has called me to. Right now that is planting His Doxa Community Church; sharing that gospel and seeing lives transformed by truth. I want to be here and do those things...most days. I can't say that I am perfect in my execution; obviously I'm not. If things went my way Doxa would be bigger and I wouldn't have to talk to anyone for it to be that way because talking to people is hard and scary and awkward. But were hoping hard for Doxa to make it and must rely on Christ and must have a willingness to grow out of those fears.
And this is why I am perturbed. There is an incredible amount of meaning in this place of life. If I don't want the degree but would much rather mother a family and adore a handsome, God-honoring husband (hopefully named Jake Pearce, wahoo!!) as I live according to God's will for my life then why do I even care to have this pitiful party in my heart and mind? I don't care to have it, but my sin wants it, and sometimes I don't want to fight against sin. Because as previously noted, I'm a crazy, lazy lady.
God is good and gracious (and I hope with all my heart that this little publicized piece communicates the trueness of that), I get to search the Scirptures and the knowlege of Christ with the guidance of His Holy Spirit and from the help from the community I have been placed in. I get to have much hope in growth; I know I wont think like this forever, or even for too long (the graduation excitement will fade and being twenty three will eventually turn in to being forty five) because Jesus died the death I should have and I get to spend eternity with Him. I won't be confined to this body forever, I won't always be constricted by my sinful tendencies. He has promised the growth I've seen in myself and others. He promises a new body and a forever with Him. And I'm praying hard that this silly blog is used for that purpose of expressing that kindness in Christ Jesus.

I came to Starbucks, a good place to read, to get some reading done. So I should probably start reading. I don’t know what my deal is, but I get distracted so freaking easily, no matter what the book. It is currently Thomas Goodwin’s The Heart of Christ (I have to italicize instead of encase in quotations because my quote-key is malfunctioning; that’s annoying) and once I start I can, in fact, put it down, but I don’t usually mean to as there is a beautiful amount of biblical wisdom seeping from his thoughts. And I like to learn of those kinds of thoughts as my understanding of Christ is graciously expanded. With that being said, I highly recommend the reading of this book; it is incredibly beneficial to learn more of Christ’s heart for those whom He has chosen to be His. But even when it’s a good fiction like the The Hunger Games that I’m wrapped up in do I find a way to take my eyes from the words and people watch for days. Part of that observing, if you will, is in my far from perfect attempt to meet someone and find a chance to share Jesus or invite them to Doxa. But mostly is lack of discipline. Mmmm, it’s so nice, being an idiot. Just read your book, Cor!

Just A Giddy Gal

I’ve not been writing so much lately. I tend to go through seasons of being excited about certain things (i.e. blogging and journaling) then after a very little while let that excitement trail off and be not so exciting anymore. My fervent bones have become lazy bones and I’ve cared not to take the time to fight through the lowly moments of not wanting to scribble my thought. But oh, how there has been much going on in my little heart! I will write all about that which is most exciting and his name is Jake Pearce.

I don’t know that I have ever felt this way about a fella, or any other human for that matter. I find myself wishing I were with him when I am not, and am so thankful for the moments we spend together. I love most everything about him: his beard, his lips, his arms, his truck, his thoughts and mostly his heart. We have opened the smooching door, and let me tell ya, it’s a really fun door to have opened. I’ve not ever kissed anyone, other than my mother of course, and it’s almost the most wonderful thing I have ever experienced.

I could talk about this magical loveliness forever, so I have therefore spent much worthy time in prayer, confessing my desperation to Jesus to help us A) not prioritize kissin ’ over one another’s love for Christ and B) not be anymore curious to explore one another and enter into sin. What gives me much hope is the gospel in itself as Jesus has given me the greatest gift in allowing my foolish heart to understand the beauty of his having died in my place to consider me righteous before him, therefore breaking the bonds of my flesh from her slavery to sin and arming me to fight against it. With Doxa Community Church and the relationships within have I been given much wisdom and care which influence me to understand both the darkness of falling into sin and the help to talk through and allow the Holy Spirit to direct our hearts before knowing that detrimental plunge.

Jake and I are both sinners. Deh. We will sin against one another, against our friends, and against God. And that is a heartbreaking reality. I want not to hurt Jake, my friends, or my Savior. I want not to take advantage of the grace I’ve been given but want to remember Jesus before I fall into shame. But I am an incredibly imperfect human, one who sins and hurts and oftentimes chooses self over anyone else. But we, that is, me and my guy, are trying hard to avoid the sins that are fondling and sexting and perverting; because when done outside of the union of marriage, Jesus calls those things sin. Knowing how easy it is to, you know, do the dirty as two humans fall into the L-word, we have rightly emphasized our attempts to avoid the physical darkness (don’t tell him I publicly brought up that L-word. We’ve not confessed it to one another… J).

And so I am immensely thankful for growing in a crazy-awesome relationship with this guy, and am so blessed by my friends to be prayerful for us. Because while I reeeeally do look forward to smoochin’, I more so look forward to talking with him. I love so much getting to know his heart; to see how much he loves Jesus is so beneficial. He reminds me to pray and is curious about the thoughts and attitudes of my heart, even when they’re ugly. He is intentional about learning more about who I am (I’m incredibly thankful to Pastor Brian for advising us to continue to be intentional about our emotional, intellectual and spiritual growth). He buys me tea so we can go out and chat but not spend billions. He talks about his attempts to mortify sin and to give no room for justifying troubles of the flesh. He guides our discussions, motivating good ones. What a guy, I’ve got.

This fearfully familiar feeling that I’ve not ever felt before is quite incredible, and all I wanna do it talk to Jake Pearce all about it! I know that we won’t always be in the honeymooner stage, but let me tell ya; life is beautiful.

Overwhelming Eggs

It has not yet even come but so far this year, Easter is crazytown! Our Doxa Community Church was given the opportunity to put on the egg hunt for all of Renton. We have posted precious fliers throughout the city, Brian has posted much information on neighborhood websites, and we have even been advertised in places we do not yet know. So Morgan Morgan, the wonderful wifey of Brian Morgan, received a phone call yesterday warning us to expect bazillions of youngins. Though this is the best problem to have, I am overwhelmed by what we have gotten ourselves into! (Also, my apostrophe key is not working and that also makes me overwhelmed.) The thought of someone coming to our Easter Service this Sunday because of being invited at the hunt and then falling in love with Jesus is so incredible. Doxa events around such holidays do not tend to go so well so it is more than easy to be faithless. But at this point my little heart is leaping for much joy; joy that comes from Jesus working in hearts!

Then Morgan got another call today from the folks who send the plastic easter eggs. And it does not look like they will get to us until Saturday evening. Our Renton Hunt is Saturday morning. So we are in a pickle. And are even more so because Toys R Us does not have any in stock. The Auburn location did not even receive any Easter products at all. What. The. Heck.

So pray for us! I am not too worried as we will certainly find a way. Servant hearted Morgan is out shopping to find what she can, my lovely mother and sisters are doing what they can to scramble up as many eggs from our childhood as possible, and God always provides. But we need all the help we can get. So pray for us and come to Doxa on Sunday Morning at 10 am  to hear about the incredible, scandalous story of Jesus Christ.

Apples and Eyeballs

Like the fool that I am, I oftentimes forget to pray. I forget to remember that I need Jesus and His goodness; I need His strength because I am waywardly weak. I am quick to consider myself strong enough to avoid sin on my own as though I weren’t enslaved to it before Jesus saved me from that darkness. And so I get to pray now; God has been good to lead me to the book of Proverbs to read today in order that I might desire true wisdom. I can therefore pray hard to be reliant on the work of the cross so I can live obediently to Christ in my efforts to express my thankfulness for what He’s done for me. I get to fight hard to avoid sin because He didn’t save me to the ongoing slavery of my flesh but freed me from that weakness.

Proverbs 7:1-3

My son, keep my words

and treasure up my commandments

                   with you;

keep my commandments and live;

     keep my teachings the apple of your eye;

bind them on your fingers;

     write them on the tablet of your heart.

A Blog Apology

I must ask for the greatest amount of forgiveness. Because of my pride, I’ve not published my life’s happenings with a hopeful heart that God might encourage the couple of you who read along with my weirdo life. Instead I’ve considered it more beneficial to myself to withhold all that has happened to protect myself from judgment and false speculation. But it was my judgment and speculation that kept me from proclaiming the incredible gifts God has given me. And it was my closest friends who helped me carefully see my idiocy. And let me tell ya, there is a lot of it.

I’ve been made aware of much weakness since the last day of January. There’s a fella, a real handsome, gentlemanly one, who’s admitted a bit of likeness for me back then in the ever romantic isle that holds plumbing supplies inside Renton’s most reliable hardware store. And shoot dang, I like him back. Our moment of confessed affection was entertainingly perfect. But that’s only a baby detail of what’s happened so far.

I’m the loser lady who’s liked him the longest. But because I’m a gal, I prefer for the fella to do the pursuing. I want to be daintily feminine, not over eager. It’s been a tough go of it, but God’s timing in all this has been quite incredible and Jake (that’s him) expressed his respectable masculinity by doing the pursuing. Now that our feelings are mutual and wonderful we’re able to share and grow with the people closest to us. Our Doxa Community, therefore, has been heavily affected and even more so have been the roommates in our home.

Oh, awkward. We live together. Already. Christian couples aren’t supposed to live together. And that is why I’ve allowed my fear of unfair judgment to feel justified in sharing not of Jake and myself. In September of 2009 we both moved to Renton to start this church with Pastor Brian Morgan and his family. God was good to provide inexpensive living in a big home that was once a home for elderly folks. So we lived together prior to knowing of each others’ affection. It’s a peculiar situation but has been used greatly for much growth. God has used my home to help me acknowledge and fight sin and weakness, allowing those that still dwell in my dark heart to continue to be dealt with in his good timing and has also made able the fight for God’s glory.

Jake’s a babe, so living with him has always been hard. Now that we care for each other more intimately and have grown in our likeness for each other, I can talk more openly with my roommates and community. Our relationship, like any other change, has naturally had a dominatingly heavy affect on everyone. We act different, I’m different, dynamics are different. Not bad, not sinful, but hard to adjust to. Jake has become a heighty priority and now, with the help of Pastor Brian Morgan, I’m capable to experientially understand what the Apostle Paul meant when he said it is better to be single in that I’m more available to serving people more fervently. As this relationship is new, I am desperate for patience to figure out how to balance time spent with friends in order to serve them and ensure I still care for them, even though I care much for this fella. I’m eternally grateful for the gospel so that I’m granted forgiveness for the sin I have and will commit against my friends. I’m more in love with Jesus through this experience because I continue to grow dependant on His strength to purify me as I endure all kinds of relationships as a sinful girl.  

I want most to honor Christ in every aspect of my life, including the aspect that is boyfriending Jake. Jake is moving out so we’re not tempted to sin in the way that is obvious. Already I can’t help but hold onto his arm, allowing his physical touch to express his care for me and if we were continue to live three doors away from each other… well, it would be real dangerous as progression in affection is, even without sin,  progressive in expression. God has been so good to gift me in the ways he has, already using Jake to point me to Himself, which has been the very best thing. I can type for days about how much I like this guy. But ultimately, I get to love Jesus more and am understanding how to do that with this relationship. The greatness of growing into knowing this guy is only a fraction of the greatness of learning God’s glory, growing into likeness of Christ and community with Him. And God’s given me Doxa Community Church to grow with through all this incredibly incredible season of my life. And this growth is so beautiful.

Painting Patience

I’m another chick who loves life wasting on the wonderful website that is Pinterest. I love the do-it-yourself decoration ideas so much that my room is full of ‘em! My most favorite thing? Turning pallets into shelves. Seriously. Beautiful. A long while ago I snagged one from my dad’s workplace (he works in a rugged, manly trucking company that’s full of ‘em), bought some sand paper and cute colored paint, and made myself the trendiest little shelf. It’s too heavy to hang on my rented home’s walls so it’s still hangin’ out in the corner of my bedroom but at least it’s pretty.

My closest friends rightfully tease me for my quirky affection. But there’s one gentlemanly friend who has gifted me two pallets since learning of my love for them. His workplace, like my Pa’s, is rugged and manly and those pallets need a home (this is why I am likely to die alone). So just like my older pallet, I got to paint the new ones. Today I sanded them down and opened the bucket of cute colored paint, who’s lid was rusted on because of my not having painted in quite some time.

The color of the paint was distorted as the oils had naturally separated. I was afraid I’d have to buy a new can because this one had endured the snow and I don’t know what happens when paint freezes. Inside the can was a musty, rusted color – one that I did not want to color my pallets. I had a nifty stirring stick and was hopeful that the color would obediently return to the favored shade as I mixed. It was cold outside and I hadn’t wanted to stand there for long. It took me forever to find the result I wanted but as I endured the physical labor (it was a big deal) I wanted to give up. Eventually the paint became the cute color I wanted and I painted away. And my cute new shelving units are drying.

I know I’m unlike Jesus in many ways but I couldn’t help but consider God’s character as I tried to remain patient with the becoming of my paint’s pure color. He’s patient and I am not which makes me fall more in love with His grace. I know this imagery is corny, but growing into becoming more like Jesus has taken me so long to get only to this point in my life. Where I’ve grown in many areas there seem to be all the more sins to fight against. Like the paint, it’ll take me what seems to be forever to become something pure and beautiful. As I count the many blessings God has graciously grown me through, I get to grow more in likeness of Him while I continue to grow in patience with His will for my life and others.

There is much expected fruit with being part of a church plant. We are here to see people saved as we grow our Doxa Community. And I wanted to see that fruit two and a half years ago. He’s given much but not as I’d hoped to see it (which has been ultimately beneficial but still incredibly hard). God has made it abundantly clear that this church is His, which I'm understanding to be more than I could ever need. As we continue to preach the gospel in our little building and fight for relational growth,  I hope for a patient heart as God grants his goodness in ways that I’ll still not expect. I hope to push through the hard seasons for I know more than ever that they’ll continue to come, that I might find more Christlikeness in the long run in myself and those around me.

Boxing Gloves

We somehow made it to Starbucks through the iced-over road ways. It sure is nice to get out of that big, lovely house of mine. But I don’t like to be stuck and stuck I’ve been. Because of the ever-exciting, beautiful snow that has interrupted our lives in one way or another I’ve been deterred from making it to work. On Monday I worked all the live long day so because I could not make it out of my driveway I rode the bus to and my truck-owning friend who is the gentlemanliest picked me up. I wasn’t expected to work Tuesday and Wednesday so I’ve enjoyed my white wonderlanded “weekend.” But my work Monday has come and I cannot go because of the ice that used to be snow (see what I did there?). So while it feels like nothing has happened because I’ve stayed in my Renton House (except for when we got donuts from chucks and did donuts in a parking lot – funfunfun) so much has happened in my infant-esque heart.

I am the greatest of hypocrites. I want not to be a day-waster so I encourage others to waste not. But drop 3-5 inches of coldness in my driveway and my justified inability to drive anywhere will be that which fools me into the depths of mind-numbing laziness. But it feels so gooood. And so I want more of that sweat-pants-only kind of a lazy life; and that's because I want to honor myself more so than my Savior.

What I’ve found the Holy Spirit convicting of me most lately is for the things I choose to fight for which are unfortunately things Christ came not to die. Fighting is a consistent theme at Doxa Community Church and I’ve been graciously given a desire to know the things that are worth pursuing hard for and those things that keep me weak, being strengthened to fight against them. Like Pastor Brian regularly says, we want to be a church that is known for fighting for people and things, not against them. And where it is abundantly necessary to fight against sin as we’ve been made able to do, I want to be a gal that fights for passion and truth and love and servant heartedness and all good things that are God-glorifying.

Unfortunately, it’s not such a noble fight to waste my day, even when the snow falls. It’s a fight in my brain against that laziness, to find ways to explore the seemingly lesser freedoms of not driving. But God is still good even when I can’t drive my Opal Car (which happens more often than a yearly freeze out…) and I can still choose to fervently serve Him.

God has been gracious to give me the people he has, allowing their insights to be catalysts of the conviction that the Holy Spirit brings to remind me of sin and weakness, which is freakin’ everywhere in here. But since back tracking the few days of my past, I want not to remain in that weakness and instead remember it is Christ’s strength that motivates my fight. Because otherwise I’d still be dead in my sin, hopeless and desperate to nothing worth being desperate for, ignorant to the true realities.

Psalm 144:1

Blessed is theLord, my rock, who trains my hands for war, and my fingers for battle.

Pride's Poison

It’s been quite some time since I posted what goes on in my heart. And that’s because an "old friend" briefly taunted me about those published thoughts just like he did when I was in middle school – he used to mispronounce my name to get me to cry to expose my excessively ridiculous sensitivity. Looking back to that era of embarrassing moments that is middle school I consider my over-emotional reaction to be that which brings upon the shame more so than the mispronunciation. And I guess I haven’t changed much because I feel embarrassed just the same, knowing that someone is insensitively critical of my blog posts.

And so I’m feeling the conviction that comes from my attempts to protect my image, the pride that is my insecurity. I considered ending my blog because of some not-so-harsh teases that I over exaggerate in my brain and am trying to fight against it.

Because Jesus saved me and because I go to Doxa Community Church I’ve been given the strength to admit and fight against my sin. I wasn’t saved for it; I wasn’t bought with the heightiest price to continue in it. I was saved by grace to be freed from it.

My spirituality has been quite dry lately. I’ve had not much affection for the God who miraculously saved me from hell’s depths. I’ve tried to remind myself of his incredible goodness to inspire feeling better but my little, baby heart has barely budged from her apathetic futility. Graciously, God made me aware of my desire for him, that I missed his infectious dwelling in my soul, that I want Him back. I keep thinking of John Piper's words; "God is most glorified in me when I am most satisfied in Him" and I have a weighty fear of falsely portraying the gospel to thsoe who don't know Him because of my current funk of being not so satisfied. I want to be not in this funk.

In my honest efforts to fix this painful problem I prayed for last night’s community group to be good and convicting; I’d missed the conviction to remind me of my relationship with Jesus. Fortunately and unfortunately, God granted my request. I’m trying not to resent Him for it and if that doesn’t sound as awful as it is, you’re as crazy as I am. Pastor Brian carefully and pastorally challenged us to do a better job of growing in relationship with one another; we currently suck at being friends. I can’t say that this is untrue of myself for I’m the poorest friend. I am okay with the comfort that is shallow relationships; I don’t like to dive deeper than preferred. The recent times I’ve attempted to honor Christ through my friendships haven’t gone well and I’ve door a poor job, too, of reconciling. Detrimentally, I’m okay with that. I’m okay with maintaining the brokenness, with pretending my friendships are not broken. When Brian asked us to be intimate with one another by asking each other ways we’ve committed sin, my heart practically stopped and I had to try hard to not let the waterfalls pour out of my eye balls.

I get anxious and overwhelmed about many things but this is the most overwhelming thing that has ever happened to me (I'm also alittle dramatic...). I don’t want to anyone to ask me ways they’ve sinned against me. I don’t want to ask anyone how I’ve hurt them. And this is because I want to protect that blasted image. I want to continue to believe that I'm pretty great, which puts a thick veil between me and Jesus. On one hand I want to know and care for people better and be aware of my sin that I might better fight against it. On the other larger, fatter-fingered hand I want to avoid that pain. Much of my selfish heart doesn’t want to grow in those relationships because I know how painful relationships are. I am afraid of the amount of sin that truly dominates my being; my pride would rather steadily dwell. Instead of continuing each exchange with my friends with, “Please don’t ask me any questions right now,” to avoid the good growth I think I might pray to be better, to honor Christ more obediently instead of choosing wrongfully the ways I might bring him glory. Because this whole time I’ve been trying to glorify myself more so than the God who is so loving to bring me to and through these trials. Because I am weak and worldly without him; living to be good is no good without his goodness, that which is truly good.

Risky Business

Food bank volunteering was fun yesterday. I didn’t think it would be; I searched my brain, deep and wide, for an adequate reason to justify my absence. Then Christine, my hardworking coworker who servant heartedly coordinated the event, expressed her frustration with the heighty number of committed bodies that bailed. And I felt the good conviction to be true to my word and attend the service project. We packaged noodles, spirally ones, for three hours. I laughed, chatted, and sang Christmas songs (only the good ones) with my sweet friend Annie and kept my brain busy, distracting her from recognizing the dread of the incredibly tedious task.

Because I didn’t drive my dangerously eldery Opal Car I had fun carpooling to and fro. When I returned home, though, I couldn’t quite pinpoint the reason for my low emotional condition. I couldn’t help but bawl in the shower as I cleansed the film that comes from Northwest Harvest’s latex gloves and hair nets from my scalp and my hands. Eventually, though, through prayer and reliance on the Spirit, I realized why.

I rode with three young, beautifully single ladies who are either pregnant and/or already raising children, enduring the pain that comes from boys pretending to be men as they bear the growing title of “Single Mom.” Because I’ve not ever experienced the sex I enjoy talking about it and proceeded to ask embarassingly naiive questions to prove my immaturity. I asked of them and they of me (the lack thereof) and while I didn’t share the beauty of Christ with them in relation to our female need for affection which is culturally and sinfully resolved with intercourse, I have prayed hard, hoping that they will soon experience the reality and truth of God’s love for them, fulfilling their loneliness and excessive pain. Alongside the guilt I’ve felt for not harshly and carefully confronting them with the gospel to communicate my love for them in regards to the conversation, I have since yesterday become very angry at knowing that these friends that I love are burdened by their sin in this way, shielded from God’s grace, living lives betrayed but welcomed by Satan’s beloved darkness.

God has been incredibly good to me, mysteriously maintaining my physical purity up to this point. I can consider his goodness and strength because I don’t know how I’ve not run away in hopes of being wooed by a gent, giving him my flower, if you will (that was a shout out to Monica Gellar – but since I keep calling it that, “no one’s ever gonna take it!”). I’m one of those pathetic chicks with daddy issues; most of my kind run in the direction of seeking the attention and fulfillment from another as it was not given by her most vital male figure. God used my sin which was committed in the opposite direction by loathing the male race to guide my stubborn bones away from the penis, soon after softening my heart to Himself and desiring a good relationship with a man who will hopefully one day be my hub. While I am incredibly undeserving of God’s grace and kindness given to me in Christ Jesus I am therefore eternally grateful and will strive (with much failure, obviously) to honor Him and commit my obedience to His goodness.

I am heartbroken for those, in this case those gals I learned more about yesterday, who know not God’s goodness as I do. As I continue to pray hard for their souls and those of their children, I want to serve them faithfully at Doxa. I wish for them to attend our little church and experience the beauty of God’s grace as I have. The gospel is that which motivates me to live beautifully and to experience the wonderful joys I’ve faced amidst the suffering I’ve been given. I’m surrounded by a body of Christians to express God’s character unto me, strengthening me and encouraging me to fight for what is good and true and worth fighting for and I want terribly for others to join us.

Since I know not how to do so otherwise, this is my desperate plea for you who are reading this peculiar blog post to come to Doxa Community Church (http://www.doxacc.org/) and let us serve you as Scripture has best guided us.

Holiday-Hoobity-Whatty?

Christmastime, Christmastime, Christmastime. I can’t help but allow the overwhelming fear of failure in the region of gift giving dominate my thoughts whenever I remember that the month is currently December. But then I’m reminded that I get to make festive cookies and hang out with lady friends in the kitchen and this time of year is redeemed. Also, I invite friends to our Christmas services throughout the month and hope that the heavy effect of the beauty of Christ’s coming will be that which God uses to soften the hearts of sinners like me, graciously bringing them into his eternal kingdom.

I really do love Christmas. I love the jolliness, the candy, cookies, lights, trees, and mostly the gospel and it’s exuberance this time of year. I just hate presents. I mean, I’m a chick so I obviously love presets (he who gifts me a husband will get front row seats to our wedding; seriously you can sit in front of my parents) so by all means, please do not withhold them this year. But when it comes to blessing others with thoughtful, deliciously wrapped boxes of joy my brains cry and so do my eye balls. Much like no one else, gift giving is NOT an expression of my care for a person. I’d much rather hang out and have delightful, learning-more-about-you kind of convos while eating Mexican food, of course.

The Tuesday before Christmas will be our Community Group Christmas party, Gift Exchange included. Eff (that’s my attempt at communicating the frustration that is worthy of swear words but since I’m a lady and I love Jesus and want to honor him with my words, I’ll only pretend to swear because He doesn’t know my heart…eff). We decided who’d be gifting which friend with the drawing of stockings. I picked out Michael Posey’s stocking. The thought of deciding on what to buy with our ten dollar spending cap makes my mind dry, much of how it usually is but this time there's the added pressure in knowing that my intentions effect another. I did think it would be funny to give him Rogaine, just for kicks. But Morgan confirmed that that would be mean (she didn’t tell me it would be mean to publicize my idea, sorry Po).

Hopefully I’ll think of something good soon. Until then I’ll watch Jim Carrey’s ever-entertaining version of The Grinch. And pray.  

The Bruising Games

I started reading Suzanne Collins’ The Hunger Games last night and am having a hard time putting it down. In fact, I am currently struggling to allow the wittiness of my brains flow onto my laptop because I just want to get back to my book. I miss Katniss Everdeen (she’s the main character gal who tells me her story; her name alone makes her interesting) and want to know of what’s to happen in the upcoming pages.

I’ve not read a fictional novel in awhile – I think it's been since studying at Multnomah University – because I’ve allowed my friends’ love for reading theologies kind of influence mine and have found many benefits in learning from the theologians’ words that illuminate my understanding of scripture. But I finished the seventh chapter of this novel this morning and now I know why I usually leave them in the book store.

I’ve already encompassed many of Katniss’ character traits. Her bitter independence has influenced that which I immediately consider myself to be entitled to and I’ve found myself questioning my most careful authority figures. Usually I am thankful for the wisdom and truth others patiently guide me to but since hanging out with my little book I’ve not understood them to be caring and wise. I’ve allowed myself to become captivated, wrongfully relating with her battle for survival as though it was I who hunted my dinner.

I’ve been confronted with my weakness but I plan not to put away this book without finishing. Instead, I hope and plan to fight for a good balance of scripture and community to influence my true reality more heavily than the story. I don’t care to jump off the edge of complete foolishness, divulging in the sin of determining the instances my life by my lonesome, as though I were in control of all things as God is. While I am free to simply read a religious-less book without conviction, I shan't allow this liberty to lead me into the continued choosing of primarily poor affairs rather than those which are beneficial, kicking my affection for Christ to the curb.

I am thankful that God has used The Hunger Games to expose my extensive weakness that I might continue to run to Him as I am incredibly dependant upon his goodness. He is the Oak Tree, I am the baby reed that is so easily and rightfully bruised.

Bitter, Party of One

Pastor Brian preached a message on bitterness last Sunday and I again felt conviction’s sharp pinch on my hoarding heart. I knew he’d eventually come to the subject as we’ve been working through all kinds of emotional perceptions. I’ve been fearfully ready to be hit with what scripture has to say about it and as expected I fought the tears that proved that I’m the bitterest gal in the barn. I’m thankful for God’s merciful forgiveness but must continue to fight against the pleasurably comfortable place that my soul so loves to dwell.

I consider it no secret that I’m non confrontational. I don’t like to expose other people’s sin and I never want to be the friend who is always commenting on the imperfections of others and so I so easily overcompensate by avoiding the necessary means of communicating my perceptions, as done in a relationship that is healthy. Instead I practice a seemingly justified harboring of hateful thoughts toward the human who hurt my feelings.

Before God graciously softened my heart to His truth, exposing the reality of sin in my life that I may repent and run to Him I was an incredibly bitter young lady. I kept people at a distance and was convinced that avoiding friendships was better than acquiring some good ones. Since then I care not to sin against God (I still fail, but fight hard) and have hoped to be joyful more so than hateful. But pursuing relationships with people is still the hardest. While I’m forgiven for my failures I’m also forgetful and have recently reveled in the familiar feeling of the bitterness.

When people sin against me I choose to not grow in relationship with them but feel as though I should run far from that growth. I don’t like to hurt. I don’t like that I sin against others but I forget that I’m imperfect when others sin against me. So I willingly open the door when sin is knockin’ and hurt right back. Because two wrongs make a right, right? Ha, I can hear my mother saying, “Corianne Marie, two wrongs do not make a right!” Crap.  

God has been good to remind me that I’m sinful, that I’m not the best but that he in fact is; it is His righteousness that makes me righteous, His glory that is worth pursuing. And this sin, this one that I’m so prone to run to, will always be a battle. I need to understand these things so that I’m armed to fight for Christ. I am gifted to consider this lustfully temptuous feeling to be one that Ephesians compares wrath and clamor to. Dang. My lack of control and justice shan’t produce my resentment but shall instead influence my race toward Christ, the one I get to become like.

The Not So Lovely Bones

It’s already the fifteenth. Dang. That means it’s been thirteen days since I’ve last taken time to sit and consider my thoughts and evaluate my dark, little heart. That means that my efforts of journaling (which turn into blogging) have been neglected, obviously. And this lack of self evaluation, which I usually publicize with the intention of encouraging my friendly friends unto God’s goodness in the midst of my failure, has allowed my humanistic tendency to spiral downward, growing in pride and selfishness.

At Doxa Community Church 1082 Kirkland Avenue NE of Renton, Washington 98059 on Sunday Pastor Brian Morgan influenced my understanding of biblical zealousness. When he’d announced a few days previous that he’d be preaching on this emotion, communicated in the 119^th chapter of the Psalms, I considered only excitement for listening to that which Brian had to say as I am already a master of being passionate. Psh, hear that ridiculousness? So I instead faced the harshest conviction I’ve experienced in quite some time. Everyone is zealous for something, he told us and God was quick to reveal that I’m despicably more zealous for myself than I am for Christ. I love myself more; I do that which I consider to be most beneficial for self more so than I my desire to be obedient to God. I am quick to forget that His truth is abundantly more beneficial. As I sat and felt the pain of coming to understand this sin I’ve come to question my understanding of what I know to be beneficial. It is my own selfish heart that decides what is best for me. I am quick to decide for myself, slow to run to God in prayer for his most beautiful wisdom and am even slothlier (pretend that’s a real word) to allow scripture to influence my understanding.

God is so good to convict me, to allow me to know of my sin that I might repent and run back to him after trying for thirteen days to hide as though he knows not each intention of my heart. In the darkest moments of my proudest days I fight to love myself and He always brings me back. I deserve not his slightest graciousness but am immensely thankful for these ways that He continues to bruise me. His is my consistent truth, even when I flourish in foolishness.   

Anna Farris is a Genius

I have been confronted with much pain and struggle lately; the theme of that which is to be fought for amidst strife has been heavily dwelling on my brain. Sure, I face different degrees of hardship with my every day but the guidance which God has graciously opened my eyes to has allowed me to fight to serve Him, making said strife slightly less painful and mysteriously joyful.

I know not many humans who find happiness in things that hurt. We sprint hard from those the things. At least I do. I allow my emotional status to feed off of lowest, loneliest moments and experience not much joy in life’s many detriments. I feel, though, that with the help of those in my Doxa community, God has grown me a bit. Sunday sermons, book group meetings, discussions at community group, corporate prayer, and day to day conversations that exhibit God’s goodness have been powerful catalysts to my understanding of a continued effort to glorify God in the ordinary practices of my life.

I’ve lately been recognizing the way I sin against others, the ways others sin against me, and the ways that I sin against God.  The realization of my sin influences a deep sorrowful regret of choosing myself over God’s goodness. In those moments how might I imitate Paul in Colossians 1 and “rejoice in my sufferings?” I am not happy when I am sad. Duh. I think, though, that the sadness which comes from godly sorrow influences my heart’s efforts to be directed on Christ rather than darkness and there is much joy in Christ as it is his righteousness that purifies me and strengthens me to desire joyfulness. I am made able to find happiness in knowing that He grants me a heart that is repentant as He is gracious to reveal my weakness.

But I do a poor job of remembering my committed sin when others sin against me. I feel the pain of their selfish intention as though I’m less selfish (allowing my pride to flourish in the blasted consideration of being the best human). Because of Jesus' myseteriously beautiful act of imputing righteouesness I can look past the particular sin that has been committed against me, choose to forgive, and fight to see his perfection in the place of that sin. God doesn’t cover only my blemishes with his purity but does also every other person He has chosen and in an interesting scheme allows for their actions to be used for both their good and mine. He’s not only gifted me forgiveness from the sin I commit against Him but grants me the ability to grow into likeness of him and have a heart that is forgiving to others when they hurt me.

This beautiful truth is quite mysterious to me as I am the most impatient, least forgiving lady in all the land. I remember the yesterdays, proclaiming forgiveness while welcoming bitterness even after forgiveness was requested. While my heart is still hard and wayward in many ways, God has softened a few parts and I think I’m finally coming to understand this incredible attribute. Here’s to much prayer for the practice of being forgiving so that I don’t only understand and continue in sin. Just don’t tell anyone it has taken me twenty two years…

I Need Dead Deer

There’s a first for everything. For the first time I hit an innocent animal. Okay, that’s a lie in 3 ways. A) I didn't hit anything, Ryan was the driver; B) the animal wasn't innocent, it was his fault we hit him; and 3) I hit a crow one time on my way to

Bell Square

It was an idiot bird and I was on the freeway, unable to merge because there was a car on both my left and on my right and the little guy waddled out and did not fly away. I remember being so sad because it was very dead (I saw the fluff of it's exploding feathers in my rear view mirror) and alittle bitter because the bird was a fool for not flying away.

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After Community Group we ventured to the Q so that Ryan could purchase some groceries for his day off tomorrow so that he could, you know, eat food that isn’t fast. Little did he know he’d be eating deer! Just kidding, it didn’t die and we're not going to eat it. But Tayler FREAKED out, screaming like a girl. Usually when she screams in the car I fear that there is a dear we are about to hit so this time when she screamed my instant reaction was, “Tay, you know I think there’s a deer when you scream!” Ooops. Everyone, deer included, is okay and we’ll be laughing for awhile :)